And: Why do Women Read

 Self-Help Books?

 

 

Excerpts:

Why Do Women Stay in Therapy & Read Self-Help Books?

• Many women remain stuck in therapy and self-help cycles without real change.

• Therapy and self-help books often reinforce victimhood rather than fostering accountability.

• Women often control their unhappiness because it feels safer than seeking true happiness.

• Being unhappy becomes a comfort zone, reinforcing victim narratives.

• Many Women are Control Freaks and being unhappy is something that we can control.

 

 

Key Concept:

The Role of Men & Marriage Dynamics

• Husbands are not responsible for their wives’ unhappiness.

• Women may unconsciously gaslight their partners by blaming them for their emotional struggles.

 

Timestamps:

1. 0:00 Welcome
2. 2:27 Topic Introduction
3. 16:53 3 Reasons Why Women Want to be Unhappy
4. 32:53 The Solution
5. 41:07 Questions and Comments

 

Title: “Why Women Stay In Therapy and Read Self-Help Books | The Happy Wife School Show Ep. 31”

Here’s a summary of the key points from the transcript:

 

1. Introduction & Housekeeping (00:01-01:56)
   • Welcomes viewers and acknowledges chat moderators.
   • Mentions upcoming absence due to visiting family.
   • Engages with audience members from various locations.
2. Why Women Stay in Therapy & Read Self-Help Books (02:36-05:00)
   • Many women remain stuck in therapy and self-help cycles without real change.
   • Therapy and self-help books often reinforce victimhood rather than fostering accountability.
3. The “Red Pill” Awakening (03:11-05:40)
   • Speaker shares personal experience of realizing therapy wasn’t working.
   • Acknowledges how staying in therapy can create a false sense of superiority over husbands.
4. Therapy Can Enable Victimhood (06:19-10:19)
   • Women in long-term therapy often blame external factors (husbands, upbringing, circumstances).
   • True change requires personal responsibility rather than external validation.
5. Seeking Happiness & Control (17:12-21:23)
   • Women often control their unhappiness because it feels safer than seeking true happiness.
   • Being unhappy becomes a comfort zone, reinforcing victim narratives.
6. Victimhood & Self-Identity (26:47-30:42)
   • Many women struggle to define happiness because it conflicts with their victim identity.
   • The constant search for happiness through books and therapy suggests it is never truly found.
7. The Role of Men & Marriage Dynamics (39:35-43:54)
   • Husbands are not responsible for their wives’ unhappiness.
   • Women may unconsciously gaslight their partners by blaming them for their emotional struggles.
8. Call for Personal Accountability & Change (45:45-50:43)
   • Change must come from within; trying to change for a husband or external reasons won’t be effective.
   • Encourages women to engage in self-awareness and personal growth beyond therapy.
9. Closing Remarks & Community Engagement (50:43-End)
   • Promotes courses aimed at helping women improve their relationships.
   • Highlights the importance of both men and women in self-improvement discussions.
   • Encourages continued discussion and community support.

 

 

 

 

Here’s why the VICTIM mentality is so deceptive and so infecting.

 

Can you expand on how Therapy Can Enable Victimhood (06:19-10:19)?

 

The segment from 06:19 to 10:19 of the transcript explores how therapy can unintentionally enable victimhood, keeping individuals stuck rather than fostering real change. Here’s a breakdown of the key points discussed:

1. The Illusion of Self-Improvement – Many women believe that going to therapy and reading self-help books is a sign of personal growth. However, the speaker argues that this often creates a false sense of superiority, making them feel more “evolved” than their husbands when, in reality, they are still struggling internally.
2. The Victim Mindset – The speaker suggests that therapy reinforces a victim mentality by encouraging individuals to focus on external factors (e.g., past trauma, upbringing, relationships) as the cause of their struggles. This prevents them from taking full responsibility for their choices and behaviors.
3. Projection onto Husbands – Women who engage in long-term therapy without real change may begin to gaslight or emasculate their husbands. They assume that because they are actively working on themselves (through therapy or self-help), they are “better” than their partners, even if no tangible improvements are happening in their own lives.
4. Endless Seeking Without Resolution – If therapy were truly working, the speaker argues, it wouldn’t need to last indefinitely. Instead, many women stay in therapy for years, continually revisiting the same issues without actually moving forward, which suggests a dependency rather than a path to healing.
5. Manipulating the Process – The speaker shares her own realization that she subconsciously manipulated her therapists by presenting victim stories that validated her emotions rather than challenged her to change. This cycle allowed her to remain comfortable in dysfunction rather than confront difficult truths.
6. Externalizing Responsibility – Therapy, when not approached with the right mindset, can make individuals believe that their problems stem from things outside their control—like their past, their husband, or society—rather than their own choices. This mindset removes personal agency, making real transformation unlikely.
7. The Need to Take Responsibility – The only way out of this cycle, according to the speaker, is personal accountability. Instead of seeking validation for suffering, individuals need to own their role in their struggles and actively work on solutions, rather than just analyzing problems.

Essentially, this part of the discussion challenges the notion that therapy is inherently beneficial. While therapy can be a powerful tool, when used incorrectly or when clients are unwilling to take accountability, it can enable self-deception, stagnation, and a false sense of growth instead of actual healing.

 

 

Can you expand on: Seeking Happiness & Control (17:12-21:23)?

 

In the segment from 17:12 to 21:23, the discussion focuses on how many women seek happiness and control in ways that ultimately leave them feeling unfulfilled. Here’s a breakdown of the key ideas:

1. The Endless Pursuit of Happiness

• The speaker argues that many women believe happiness is an external goal to be achieved rather than an internal state to be cultivated.
• They constantly chase things like career success, self-help practices, or even therapy, expecting these pursuits to bring them lasting fulfillment.
• However, happiness is fleeting, and by always seeking more, they never feel satisfied with what they have.

2. The Desire for Control

• Women often seek control over their environment, relationships, and even their emotions in an attempt to avoid discomfort or uncertainty.
• This manifests in their approach to relationships, where they may try to change their partner rather than accepting them as they are.
• This need for control is tied to a fear of vulnerability—letting go and trusting others feels risky, so they try to manage every aspect of life instead.

3. The “Self-Improvement” Trap

• Many women dive into self-improvement—therapy, books, meditation, wellness trends—not because they genuinely want to grow, but because they believe it will finally give them control over their happiness.
• The irony is that true peace comes from surrendering control, not grasping for more of it.
• The speaker suggests that women may subconsciously use self-improvement as a shield to avoid facing their real issues or taking full responsibility for their choices.

4. The Conflict in Relationships

• When a woman is constantly trying to optimize herself and her life, it can create tension in relationships.
• Instead of appreciating the relationship for what it is, she may focus on what’s lacking or try to fix her partner.
• This often leads to resentment and disconnection, because the pursuit of happiness and control causes her to reject the natural imperfections of life and love.

5. The Realization: Letting Go

• The speaker ultimately emphasizes that happiness is not something to be controlled or engineered.
• True contentment comes from acceptance, gratitude, and letting go of the need to constantly improve or control everything.
• Instead of seeking happiness in external validation, accomplishments, or perfection, women need to embrace the present moment and trust the process of life.

This segment essentially critiques the modern obsession with self-optimization, arguing that the relentless pursuit of happiness and control often backfires, leading to frustration, dissatisfaction, and strained relationships. The key takeaway? Let go, accept imperfection, and stop trying to control everything.

 

A big thank you to ChatGPT for helping to outline this summary!

 

 

In the end, external happiness is a fantasy. Chasing after it is as elusive as a hamster trying to get out of his cage by running faster in his hamster wheel. Becoming truly happy is an internal choice we make every day. In essence, we choose to be grateful, thankful, loyal and content. We choose to daily take victory over the many subtle feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and mindsets that would rob us of our own internal true happiness. Robust Long lasting genuine happiness is a gift we give ourselves. True internal happiness is completely separate from anything anyone else can do for us, or give to us.

 

True happiness is a gift we choose to grow in every day, in every relationship, and it is always rooted and grounded, and the gift of LIFE that we possess not by own self effort, but by the Majesty of God, who saved us while we were yet sinners, and granted, eternal life to previously: ungrateful, disobedient, perverted, SOULS addicted to: selfishness, sin, bitterness, discontent, and controlled by a spirit of fear and rejection. 

True happiness is a gift received and developed in the presence and radiance of God’s glory, and personal daily involvement in the life of a previously lost soul.

 

And yes, developing true happiness is somewhat of a discipline of the heart and mind. It begins with the seed of God, like in the parable of the wheat. But it must grow in an environment of cultivation, not in a garden full of weeds, thistles, and thorn bushes.  

 

Below is a scientific explanation of how a person grows through the internal discipline of the heart and mind and will, all working together too, glorify someone and something greater than oneself. 

 

.Title: “Why Women Stay In Therapy and Read Self-Help Books | The Happy Wife School Show Ep. 31”

 

Transcript: “(00:01)

Hi everybody. Welcome to the happy wife School show. As always very very good to be here and if you can let me know in the chat that you can hear, me see, & everything is working as it should … and we will get started.

As always I  want to give a  big thank you to Phil and Evo and Steve for keeping an eye on the chat and keeping it a constructive place to be for everybody so as always guys make their job easy uh keep uh the conversation on topic keep it positive uh no trolling Philip did a great job outlining in the comment the rules of (00:41) the chat so follow the rules.

I’ll just take a a a quick peek and welcome Mark your first live stream it’s great to have you here uh and hello to Memphis Barbecue always great to have you here because you remind me of my hometown I grew up in Cordova which is a suburb of Memphis and I went to High School in Germantown uh at Houston High School so always good to see always good to see your name pop up and of course again hi to Phil ste veen Evo uh hi Daniel uh coming in from North Central Indiana uh also uh near and dear to my (01:18) heart my parents live in Southern Indiana uh in uh Jeffersonville uh just on the other side of Louisville and my husband is actually from Evansville uh Indiana but we met out here in Denver and that reminds me next week guys I will not be live uh I’m going to go see my parents uh in Indiana next week so there will be no show but we will pick back up the week after so so oh hi salty combat diver a lways great to see you yeah follow the rules guys so oh and you’re in Houston Texas awesome I’ve got family in San Antonio (01:56) there uh and all the way from the Philippines nice to have you thanks so much for being here and uh looks like I’m I’m loud and clear so we’re going to get started oh hi love gross always good to see you here as well um and that’s funny looking forward to another dose of misogyny yep I that that’s what it can be misconstrued as but uh it it it sure isn’t guys I’m her e to help men and women so let’s get into it uh what we are talking about today is why your wife stays in therapy and reads self-help books and ladies this is (02:36) for you too if you’re wondering why you’re still in therapy and reading all those books and ordering all the books on Amazon that is what we are getting into today to take a deep dive and what’s really going on underneath that that we need to be awakened to so the reason I want to talk about this today is I had a couple of lovely c alls with two lovely women this week who than me for their red pill they thanked me for their red pill they actually uh watched my videos because their husbands were Brave and sent the videos to them (03:11) and they were open-minded and let in what I was talking about and could see themselves and awaken to the truth of how they have been in their lives and in their marriage and they were very grateful so I like to remind us this is I do call my channel the red pill for women even though I am he re uh to help men and help both women uh women and men I do call my channel the red pill for women because I’m a red pilled woman that I met my mentor about 10 years ago and I was very much um stuck in my life and and stuck going to therapy and and (03:48) doing all the things to try to work on myself and change and nothing was working and he helped me to get honest with myself and see the truth of what I was doing and how I was keeping myself stuck how I was the problem in my life and that I ne eded to learn to take responsibility and take accountability in order to make changes and one of the first red pills that I took was seeing what I was doing to myself staying in therapy for years and reading tons of self-help books along with a lot of other things that I was doing in the (04:24) what I call the woo woo world and that it wasn’t working and what I was doing to myself so this is is a red pill for women to wake up to the treadmill you are keeping yourself on in therapy and also for men to understand their wives if you have a wife who is constantly in therapy has been in therapy for a long time is constantly ordering self-help books and reading self-help books I want to give you an inside peek to what’s really going on so that you can also be awakened uh to the reality of what is happening and and be able to not get get (05:00) sucked in to the web that we create as women so like I said one of my first red PS was was seeing how stuck I was keeping myself and going to therap y and where I was keeping myself stuck was Camp victim blaming and and putting the problems in my life and the insecurities and myself outside of me onto people in circumstances of my life which kept me very very stuck all the while this is f fascinating all the while that I was a mess on the inside because I went to so many years of therapy because I read so many self-help books and did so many (05:40) things to work on myself I thought I was incredibly evolved and just the most spiritually enl ightened person out there uh when in reality I just had a really big ego and it was a way to hide and cover up all the insecurities and issues that I still had so one of the things we do as women staying in therapy and reading a lot of self-help books is that we also then believe that we are superior and better than our husbands because of all the work that we’re doing on ourselves and we get very self-righteous believing that the (06:19) therapy and the books we’re reading and the things we wer e doing to work on ourselves to try to change is the right way and we make it look like look at how much I’m doing you’re not doing anything to work on yourself look how messed up you are that is often the message that we send our husbands when we are in that that therapy cycle and reading all the books and it’s it’s a a major contradiction because we put ourselves on a pedestal to make ourselves Superior to our husbands yet the other side of the coin and staying in therapy and (06:56) reading a ll the self-help books we want to make it look like we are doing something when in reality we have no intentions of taking accountability and actually changing as women we are are such a walking contradiction that we want to stay in C victim we want to stay in the problems and perpetuate the problems yet we continue to feel in and present ourselves as Superior to our husbands that we have it all figured out that our husbands are the ones that are so messed up and they need to get on the game and get themselves figured out so it’s (07:36) really interesting how we do this because we essentially emasculate and Gaslight our husbands making them wrong and pointing out all the issues that they have when really that’s a projection of our own inner Brokenness onto our husbands I did a video a few weeks ago um that you can find in the videos tab called does your wife psycho analy you and that’s a really really good video to go check out of how as women we critique and tear apart our our husban ds as good men for all the issues they have yet we’re messes spending (08:12) years and years in in therapy and I want to take just a Sidetrack for just a moment to to point out something that became very obvious to me once I had it pointed out I was in therapy for seven years I had three different therapists in that seven year period and what my mentor helped me to see is if you’re in therapy for S years it’s not working why would you keep going and going and going and going eventually it shoul d work to solve your issues but I had to see that one I wanted issues and I wanted problems and (08:53) I wanted to something to be wrong with me and and to be a mess I ALS also had to see how good I was at fooling my therapist and manipulating my therapist with my different victim stories and and the things that I wanted sympathy for that I wanted validated the very things to keep me stuck third I also had to see that therapy didn’t work therapy didn’t work and the reason why is because therapy Keeps Us stuck in C victim it keeps us pointing the finger out again to our past our upbringing our husbands our marriage the circumstances of our (09:34) life as the reason why we have the problems that we have as long as the problems we have are because of of people and circumstances and events in our life we have effectively put the power in control outside of us so that we have no capacity to change that’s what therapy Val validates and keeps us stuck in are those stories of what’s happened to us that we have the problems that we have and we can’t change those things as long as it’s my upbringing that I’m insecure I have no confidence have no ability to to move (10:19) forward in my life and achieve the things that I want to achieve I’m never going to change because in order for me to change I need my upbringing to change change there’s no solution there there is no solution to pointing the finger outside of us to the circumstances of our life for why we have the problems that we have we have to move into Camp take responsibility to see I am where I am as an adult I am where I am because of my choices and decisions it’s my choices and decisions that lead to my insecurities that lead me to the (10:57) circumstances and and challeng Alles in my life and and therapy does not lead us to go there so it to me it became very obvious that if you’re in therapy for a very long time and long periods it’s not working to solve the issues and actually move you forward if it did you wo ever state of seeking then we are a constant project that we are always working on and are never fixed and if we’re never fixed and and we have our problems as our excuse to not understand ourselves to not understand how to do life it effectively dissolves us of any responsibility in our lives the problem is if if we were okay if therapy worked if we got the answers (13:15) in the books or the other things we do to work on ourselves we would be okay the problems and issues would be resolved and e a sense of meaning and it gave me a sense of purpose it felt very scary to let those things go because who would I be and and what would be my purpose in life I had to awaken to the fact that if I found what I was looking for then I would be whole I would be complete I would be fulfilled in myself I would no longer need to seek seeking is the the very Act of not knowing myself not knowing who I am and constantly searching I had a big aha moment to realize (15:30) I was not in the books I was n o be unhappy as women is that we are Control (17:12) Freaks and being unhappy is something that we can control we are Control Freaks and being unhappy is something that we can control how does that work so the experience we have had of being happy is so fleeting that we can’t maintain it or hold on to it it’s not something we can control and the reason our experience of being happy has been so fleeting is that in our humanness we look for our happiness externally and when I talk about happiness fillment that is where we are like a bucket with holes in it and those things might make us feel good for a little while and then they leak right out and (19:15) then that emptiness and that void within us gets exposed again and we look for the next thing to check off the box that we think will make us happy in that experience our sense of being happy again is very fleeting it’s very temporary and very shortlived we can’t control it being unhappy is something that we can control we know how to c a place of feeling bad about ourselves having an unhealthy relationship with ourselves which how I Define is the experience of being unhappy and this leads to the second reason why as women we want to be unhappy number two being unhappy is a comfort zone being unhappy is a comfort zone and (21:23) comfort zone is really a misn mark and that we create just as humans we create Comfort zones as a protective mechanism to protect us from our belief that life is unknown and uncertain creating those Co he reality of life we might not know what’s around the corner we might not know the different curveballs that are going to come our way in life but if we expect and know that there will be curveballs there will be the unexpected there will be the challenges and adversities then life is known that is the reality of life and I believe that that is the reality of life because that’s what we need in life to (23:35) be able to grow and learn to get to know ourselves to build the confidence and belief from life life (25:00) when I saw this and in myself and how I was keeping myself unhappy as a comfort zone as a way to to feel some sense of control in my life I began to realize why I was so bored as women we get really bored with ourselves and really bored with our lives which is actually what we project onto our husbands as good men is we think they’re boring they’re predictable they have no life when really that’s the experience of ourselves hiding inside of our comfort zone of being unhap just perpetuating our victim story which leads us to the third reason why as women we want to be unhappy number three we want to be (26:47) unhappy because it aligns with our victim story as women we want to be unhappy because being unhappy aligns with our victim story we all have a victim story as humans just in general we have a victim story of what our life has been what the circumstances have been that have led to the experience we have of ourselves in our life as women in our victim story they do not go together that was one of the the first things that I had to work on is is letting go of my Victim story and and realizing when I started this path I was 30 years old I’m 40 now when I was 30 years old and and I I met my mentor and he helped (28:48) me see I was the problem that was one of the first questions he asked me was how old are you like 30 he like yeah you are where you are in your life because of you it’s not your parents it’s not your upbringing it’s not your husband it feel wrong and bad about who they are can never conceive of being happy for us as women we can’t conceptualize even What happiness is we hide in a facade pretending to be happy or pretending we’re we’re working toward toward being happy but in Camp victim and feeling bad about ourselves underneath that we don’t want to do anything to be happy we want to make it look like we’re doing something to be (30:42) happy because deep down we again we can’t conceptualize or conceive that happiness is eve ad in a (31:53) self-help book actually worked to make me happy then I wouldn’t have kept ordering books on how to be happy if I was already happy I would no no longer need any book or anyone teaching me how to be happy because I would already be it and that was another big wakeup call for me so happiness only exists and Camp take responsibility it cannot exist in can’t victim and holding on to our our victim story because in that we are also beating ourselves up we’re watching ourselves do the ential and who we are as women that unfortunately and sadly we are very lost from in ourselves and so this is another option to see what we’re doing one of (33:56) the best things that I was ever taught was that I cannot heal that which I deny I cannot heal that which I deny so part of the the red pill and seeing the truth of our experience is getting honest with ourselves it’s seeing the truth of our experience and it’s not the stories that we’ve lived and it’s the very things we have not wante ess that I needed to work on once I saw it and and was given that context it was like oh that is what I’m doing I see it I see it clearly and I’ve I’ve known this is what I was doing but I covered it up for myself that’s what being a victim allows us to do but once we see it we can change it (36:04) and and those are the women that I for the most part hear from as their husbands have shared my videos they wake up to what they’re doing to themselves just like I did and they can connect with with you you’re right there and what happened for me and I I want to speak to this I like to every once in a while because it’s very important to me and I know very important to many uh viewers uh in my audience I could not genuinely and truly feel God at the depth that I can feel and know God today when I didn’t have a connection to myself there was there was no me in here to be able to experience God and experience him walking beside me (38:08) and leading me and guiding me in my life and the diff onsible for (39:35) your wife’s unhappiness you did not make your wife unhappy you are not the problem in her unhappiness just as happiness is an internal experience or unhappiness is an internal experience because it’s an unhealthy relationship with ourselves that leads to not feeling good about who we are uh having low self-confidence being insecure in ourselves and you did not create that in your wife we create that in ourselves so for the good men out there listening stop believing the gasli uh up and running and I’m uploading videos over there from my channel but if you prefer and like being on a rumble please go follow me there uh and again uh my (41:42) Channel’s close we’re just just on the edge of 90,000 subscribers when I hit 100 uh thousand subscribers uh that’s when my husband and I are going to do a video together so we look forward to doing that uh so share my videos uh consider subscribing if you haven’t already and thank you guys so much for the support of the channel t el um so yeah and Luke answered it well thanks Luke there are women too but they are usually silent the silent majority yes there are plenty of women uh watching the channel plenty of men sending uh my videos to their wives and they’re reaching out I often have shared (43:54) that the majority of students that I have in my courses are women um so they are out there and they are listening what I think is wonderful uh is that one it’s important to know my channel is for for men and women I’m the h to deny and further Gaslight men to be able to wake up and change for the sake of ourselves and and let them men also have the benefit and and our our husbands as good men deserve that all the things that they have done to fight for us to fight for the marriage to to be the best they can be they deserve for us to wake up to ourselves and change the caveat is we have to do (45:45) it for ourselves because if we try to change for our husbands or anybody else we won’t be in it for ourselves and we e program and the prerequisite to that is the happiness program but in the happy wife program we get specific into your marriage and into your woman ways and it’s really a behavior change course we do the happiness course first because you have to have a foundation of feeling good about who you are and a connection to yourself to make changes in your behavior in your marriage and in your life and other relationships and then we also have a men’s course to help men to further peel back the curtai s you um that’s that’s you’re sadly Not Alone um we we (48:40) can wear a wonderful facade out there in in life and the relationship unfortunately that bears the brunt of our unhappiness uh is our husbands that we will come home and drop the facade that we wear and carry in our other relationships and take out that unhappiness on our husbands um just it’s sad and unfortunate and and how how we show up but the that’s where men have to understand okay what do I do for myself then to to strengthen r away to my mother to make me feel this way uh and and strengthening yourself in those ways and then you can have healthy constructive boundaries to navigate the relationship (50:43) with your mother you are not alone and someday I will I will speak to that um I it it is on my my list of topics guys so know that that that will come uh oh thank you salty combat diver Karen you are doing what the men in your life would like you to do if I died today I would tell the women in m”