What Is God-Honoring
Marital Intimacy?

HOW MUCH SEX IS TOO MUCH SEX?

• The goal is mutual service.
• Couples should be intentional and creative.
• Scheduling intimacy.
• Attraction = validation.
• Be present and prioritize the moment.

Title: “What Is God-Honoring Marital Intimacy?“

Transcript: (00:00)

I’m joined in studio today with my favorite guest Mrs Sharon Mcferson.

Welcome Sharon.

Thank you Mr Mcferson how are you? Great to be here well it’s good to have you here thank you for those of you listening in this is going to be a little different podcast a podcast answering your questions on sex in marriage no questions off limits and we’re not holding back in the answers so if you are driving in the car with your kids maybe you should have them stick their heads out the wind ow or wait until you can listen without little ears around (00:29) that’s my one warning for us here we go um for a little context here today’s episode Sharon and I hosted a conference our week conference over Valentine’s Day weekend and the theme was making love sweet the art of intimacy and marriage we got to teach on this incredible topic with my mom and dad and brother and sister-in-law and we’ll hopefully get that content out to you at some point in the future but for now we have your quest ions the following questions were sent in by those attending the conference uh we have a a host of other (00:56) questions from the interwebs that we’ll get to in future episodes but just a quick word on the questions give you a little perspective from our side of the table here in this conversation that we get to have with you that we love often times it can be very hard to answer specific questions with specific counsil because we don’t have specific details we have a single question from some one we don’t know and that can be difficult we don’t know a host of details that we would typically inquire of in a normal counseling situation and we could ask (01:25) more questions for instance how long you’ve been married are you both of you Christians are both of you humble teachable Godly is this a new challenge you’ve struggled with for many years excuse me is this a new challenge or one you’ve struggled with for many years etc etc so because of lack of specific details um I I I’m just wa nt to say on the front end here we can’t guarantee that our answers are the best for your particular situation you could give we could give the same counsel to different couples and for one it would help and (01:51) for another it might not for one it might unlock something and for another it might lead to ongoing abuse so uh we just want to to kind of caveat this conversation on the front end we want um to answer your questions with General biblical principles that are true and then help you kn ow how to apply it to your specific situation not as the law of the mes and Persians but in the spirit of of proverbial wise counsel yeah it’s good anything to add to that no I think that’s great okay mhm without further Ado let’s jump in okay uh you (02:23) haven’t seen these questions I’ve seen a few of them here we go number one how much sex is too much sex that’s the number one question that well that’s the that’s the qu first one that guys gave me how much sex is too much sex okay I think I think that’s is that even a question is there such a thing uh no I’m a Little styed by that question uh how much is too much I mean I know this is a question from a girl cuz there’s not a husband out there going I think we’re having too much sex what do we do Pastor tell me what do we (02:55) do with this so I’m guessing this is from a wife how much sex is too much sex okay you’re guessing this is from a wife saying what can I go back and tell my husband that the people said online about it bei ng too much let me talk and you think I’ll fire you reload ready and we’ll see where we go number one um and this is from Mom and Dad’s content from the week conference on Saturday morning the differences between men and women that affect the bedroom it’s incredible session hopefully we’ll get it out to the folks soon yeah but you have to (03:19) understand that that men and women have different sex drives um Mom and Dad explain it like this men men’s sex drives or desire or desire is like a riv er uh it’s running fast and constant and a woman’s sexual desire or Sex Drive is like an ocean deep but it es and flows um neither are right or wrong it just in general that that’s how to so start there that they’re they’re going to your wire differently than your husband so it’s going to be different secondly um sex desire can change with different seasons of Life uh kids new (03:56) job illness uh sickness hormonal change es stress starting a new business um so I hear this question and I am my I don’t think there’s an objective right number yeah like like three and a half times a week you know or you know five times is way too much you know one time a month not not enough like no there’s no yeah the right answer is how much is enough for you guys to be satisfied and happy and when I say you guys I mean both both the husband and the wife and so some Seasons the the wife might have more of (04:36) a drive than the husband quite often times the the the husband might have more well that’ s okay but the the question isn’t how little can we do and get away with it but how how satisfied can we make each other mutually serving um one another so I think the the right answer is however much is enough to satisfy the natural needs of the spouse and I say natural needs of the spouse because there can be some and again this is where we get into the details we don’t know but there can be some situations we’ve worked with where a (05:06) husband is into pornography and he’s bringing then th ese these abhorrently evil and unnatural desires into the marriage bed and bringing these appetites into the marriage room and like let’s try this this do that and all of a sudden he’s just like in this like hyper sexed hypersexual overdrive because of what he’s watching yeah and and well that’s evil that’s that’s that’s horrific and and a wife should should not feel trapped and obligated to be meeting every abhor evil selfish Wicked whim of a husband who’s saturating his minded (05:43) wickedne ss and then bringing those expectations to the marriage bed and putting them on the life corre that’s horrible and so again I’m assuming here to Jesus loving people who are married who love one another and are just asking in this question like like how much is too much right um there there can’t there isn’t there can’t be too much um because we define marriage as a sexual relationship protected by Covenant so at the heart of what makes the marriage relationship unique is this ability to connect sexually as God intended not (06:16) just for procreation but for pleasure and for comfort and and for knowledge and so on and so forth so I think I think the answer is however much um is enough to please both the husband and the wife and and then I I’ll say this as well and then if you got something I want to add you can throw in here again we’re on the question of how much sex is too much sex um the principle we’re working with is 1 Corinthians 7 that your body is not your own right um and tha t the husband has authority over the wife’s body and second half of the verse (06:45) read it guys the wife has authority over the man’s body and and um when we read that verse it’s that’s not saying um AKA IE Argo you have to do what I want all the time it’s Authority for the sake of servanthood and so when you think about you know Jesus he said those who serve the most have the most Authority and of course Jesus has the most Authority because Jesus nobody served as much as Jesus and so when he says that that you have authority over the other’s body he’s saying you you are commissioned to serve them in this area sexually and so (07:21) u a husband should be looking at his wife saying how can I serve her needs vice versa the wife’s how can I serve my husband’s needs and I guarantee you men the more you serve her needs the more um it will be reciprocated and then you have two people trying to out serve each other that’s right in a in a in a sexual relationship um in the Covenant of marr iage and and it’s just a beautiful thing and so like we say often um you have to come to the sex relationship in the posture of a servant not a consumer right um and and so (07:53) uh a taker and a taker results in a toxic relationship yes a taker and a giver results in an abusive relationship a giver and a giver results in a thriving relationship and so uh boy how much sex is too much sex that’s not even a thing you can’t have too much of a good thing right and so unless you’re like neglecting your jobs and you’re you know well you then you just deal with it then you just deal with it thought you might say that whatever it takes anything else that throw in there no I totally agree with all of that I think it was really (08:29) good and we actually touched on some of those things at the conference um and mom talked about or I guess us girls when the three of us talk together we talked about women just being attentive to not be meeting your men’s your your husband’s minimum needs but hi s maximum needs and not not neglecting that and not um not being um um oh what’s the word when you’re like I’m forgetting the word anyway when you’re what well you’re just like frustrated with their you know not being frustrated with your husband’s maximum needs but but being attentive to (08:58) them thank you resenting them not resenting those needs but looking at them and being like I’m the one that gets to meet this this is amazing so uh privilege and joy to serve your husband in that way th at’s good yeah all right there you go question number two when our kids were little it was easy to find time and space for sex naps early bed times put them in front of a movie for a bit now that they’re older they’re always right there any ideas oh man good question well first of all they shouldn’t always be right (09:28) there well that would one of those could you give us a little more context here what do you mean right there I mean we’ve I mean we’ve experienced some of that we homeschooled we’re not privy to right so specifics can be hard but I think in general um be creative oh yeah that was what I was goingon to say and then be intentional um uh we were talking with a bunch of friends in our city group last night and it’s like okay show hands how many of you guys have in the past calendarized uh intimate encounters on and everyone’s like yeah a bunch of us and some we like well we feel like if we (10:25) put on the calendar it’s not as spontaneous or it’s not as um it’s not it’s 1:20) as opposed to like I’m going to get up at this time yes and spend this much time working out so I think um one of the ways you can you can overcome that is put time on the counter this Mom and Dad time we’re working on our marriage um we’ve had code words that we’ve instituted that uh hey uh and we just we we say the code word and the other one copies that and we find a way to make some space and it’s doable y um uh get it on the calendar get code words get a lock on your door for sure um ependently hanging out in the kitchen you know for a little bit or in the living room you know playing a game or whatever and I think that’s important to (12:50) help even train your kids hey Mom and Dad we have some things to talk about like that’s all you got to say we got some things to talk about we’re going to be in our room and we need to be left alone for a little bit you guys are supposed to do this or do this that’s I’m I’m assuming like if the kids are around all the time yeah you know but like yeah no it’s yeah so get creative man have fun mhm I was going to turn back to the creative thing too I mean that’s the that’s supposed to be the fun part of the of the marriage bed and the fact that you have 20 30 40 years of this exciting Adventure that you’re on so it’s like don’t get stuck (14:17) in a rut it’s you know the kids are older now okay well we get to be creative let’s figure out what we’re going to do maybe it’s not in your bedroom all the time maybe I mean like there ar t ways to do that is on your intimacy otherwise your kids are going to be gone you’re going to be like all alone in your house and not know what to do that’s really good don’t get there plus I I think when we’ve had times before where where you know it’s it’s just whatever excuse crazy season or whatever and it’s like hey it’s been longer than than it is for us and it’s like let’s be honest I’m not fun to be around like I I am cranky you know I (15:40) mean some people get hangry I get sex sex n we talked about this ter talked (16:43) about it I talked about it mom talked about it I mean I think I think you absolutely need to start there I mean there’s no reason why you would exclude the Lord from this area of your life or this area of your marriage like Lord help us just to communicate and help us to to serve each other better it’s like why wouldn’t you pray Lord help me I need especially as a wife like I uh let’s go back like however many years to when we had tiny children I did pray why for our sex life well here’s the deal uh we have been very we’re very um thankful for what the Lord has given us in the health of our sex life for many years to cul about (18:05) this I think it’s important to pray just so all the listening audience knows that the pastor does like to pray and he thinks it’s important this is not me being against prayer no okay and I think you should totally pray I just I I I they’re making it sound like it could be awkward and I’m like yeah that would be ki uch Brokenness and the world brought into their sexuality or into their marriage bed it’s like no we’re going to bring the Lord you know and his truth and his protection over this area of our marriage for it to be able to flourish and grow again so I am awesome all about that that’s outstanding yeah thank you for praying (19:31) for our our our marital intimacy yeah you’re welcome you benefited and I’m grateful cheers yep cheers I need a I need a drink give me a drink here uh number four is ther her husband either what’s going on that day or what’s happened there’s that you know or to say hey could you give me five 10 minutes I I so and so just threw up on me or I just whatever I’m not feeling super like woo right now um and so communication I think is just huge in that and a loving and understanding husband is going to assess the needs of his wife too in that moment and be like actually babe believe it or not this is (21:15) going to be good for you or you know sure H I’ll give you a it’s like sexuality is not fun for her (22:20) she doesn’t desire doesn’t think about a lot and and he obviously has a strong drive and he’s like I don’t know what to do and she’s like well he could he could stop looking at his phone he could make me feel like cares about me other than just using me to like alleviate his sexual intention totally and I might desire him a little more so it’s like okay bro that’s on you so the beauty of sexuality is that God has made women complicated and complex a ing but I have never felt obliged you know what I mean and cuz that’s not going to be fun for the husband it’s like if he just feels like his wife is obliging him that that gets (23:50) old really fast he he wants to know that she’s enjoying it she desires him and if she doesn’t he needs to figure out why he might not be Desir able to her and start working on it so I just I read but 1 Corinthians 7 1 through uh 7 um you know he says verse five do not deprive each other that’s a command do not de our husband why it’s like man I want to be with you I don’t like that I’m exhausted and an intent of husband will be like you know what she needs to go to sleep more than she needs to be with you right now cuz it’s it’s 1:15 in the morning and she’s got to get up at 6:00 with the kids yeah okay you know what I (25:24) mean um and if that’s a habit you know Mom and Dad talking the dangers of late night sex it’s like late night sex does not allow you to to um to keep the needs met and mom talks to mpletely tell your wife hey babe go to the bedroom now obviously not because you’re like babe go get ready you know but but you could talk through that but it’s like the freeing up for your wife 20 30 minutes on her own to grab a shower to just be able to think for a second well your little kids are getting put to bed by you hey I’m just saying that could go a long ways and helping a wife be a little bit more go a long ways (26:47) go a long ways read Journal pray be alone Be quiet those are hug t question from a gal (27:50) that’s like what uh what should I be focusing it on and and because your brain is your most um important sex organ I’d be like be all in to what you’re doing right then okay like it’s going to take work and and it’s going to take practice but it’s like view it as prioritizing your husband above all things like don’t let your brain be prioritizing other things in the midst of this sacred Moment Like prioritize your man meaning giving him all of you and for a woman th your eyes you know what I mean like I’m focused on who you are as a person and even in the midst of that that that can be really helpful for (29:08) a wife I think to just enjoy the whole the whole experience and um and be even more ready and available and engaged and responsive I think it’s good yeah yeah mom talked about um I thought it was really helpful um um women getting over inhibitions as you mentioned and being like for instance when we say to show up as a servant not a consumer um and your wife if she doesn’t believe she’s beautiful she is fully convinced I think she’s beautiful knows she is my soulle source of sexual pleasure and intimacy but thinks I am biased how do I convince her God made her objectively (30:55) beautiful um so that question is well I guess it could be to you um it’s a husband well I mean I guess I have a couple thoughts but I think you would be a better responder but it’s like well first of all believe your husband when he tells you that you’re beautifu that should enough for it to be just the most awesome relationship you know in your sexual intimacy it’s like it sounds like there’s a looking to other places yeah and it’s like no that it’s designed this way on purpose that your husband would think you’re the most beautiful thing in the world you don’t need Jo blow down the road to think you’re beautiful yeah (32:17) actually that’d be a problem if that was the if that was the case and he was telling you so yeah um that’s good that’s my first that to be beautiful or who knows where it’s coming from or airbrushed images she’s seen on Instagram yeah whatever but like like like if your husband is into you as as as his wife and and the question says she knows that she’s my sole source of sexual pleasure and intimacy and I think she’s beautiful but she thinks I’m biased hey sweetheart that’s that’s the point yeah what would you want be objectively be beautiful to John Doe and your husband not think you’re beautiful like this is this is ba believe her husband that can be very discouraging and off-putting for her husband well and I think this is (34:58) this would be a really great spot for a husband to exercise just his headship and and discernment of his wife I think we can we’ve talked about this many times but just like the more emotional side of a woman and and sometimes things that we hear and see and the propensity of women to be more comparison oriented like to look at things and be like well I’m not like that and I’m not l y she has a standard of Beauty in her mind that isn’t objective it’s subjective to her own standard but secondly God gives a woman a definition of beauty that is objective and it’s not her hair and the braids and the jewelry and the stuff (36:24) it’s inner beauty godliness quiet Spirit submissive Spirit to to to her husband a a a um an insatiable passion for for Jesus and and the word and love for God a deep hope for God these things are what make a woman beautiful um a”