How is Society Deceiving
Alpha Females?
- Helping women embrace femininity, heal trauma, and transform marriages.
- How women frame their words impacts spouse’s ability to respond positively.
- Shifting from criticism to requests.
- One foot out the door = unwilling to fully commit.
- Competes with her spouse rather than complementing him.
- Experience more peace and respect from their partners.
- Accepting imperfections.
Wouldn’t you like to know: the ways you are blocking
Your husband’s ability— to connect and love you?
Ladies, are you unknowingly pushing your husband away?
Summary of “Christian Marriage Podcast: How Society is Deceiving Alpha Females & Marriage with Jessica Lewis”
- Introduction & Guest Background (00:02 – 00:41)
- Jessica Lewis, founder of Rise Up Queens, discusses faith-based personal development for women.
- Focus on helping women embrace femininity, heal trauma, and transform marriages.
- The Alpha Female Dynamic (01:17 – 02:54)
- Society encourages women to take on multiple roles, but this can lead to stress and dysfunction.
- Jessica shares her experience of trying to lead in relationships from a place of control rather than partnership.
- The “alpha female” often emerges from fear and self-protection rather than healthy leadership.
- Struggles in Relationships (03:25 – 04:56)
- An unhealthy alpha female competes with her spouse rather than complementing him.
- High-achieving women often struggle to switch from masculine energy (work mode) to feminine energy (home life).
- Men feel confused about their role, leading to power struggles in relationships.
- Commitment & Self-Preservation (05:57 – 07:36)
- Many women enter marriage with one foot out the door, unwilling to fully commit.
- Fear of vulnerability and conditional love often prevent deep emotional connection.
- True commitment requires self-awareness and breaking patterns of self-preservation.
- The Power of Surrender (09:09 – 10:40)
- Jessica references author Laura Doyle, who advocates for women achieving in the workplace but embracing femininity at home.
- Women who surrender control in relationships experience more peace and respect from their partners.
- Healing and Growth in Marriage (16:16 – 17:46)
- Personal healing is key to transforming relationships.
- Awareness and willingness to challenge one’s own perspectives lead to breakthroughs.
- Letting go of ego and pride allows for more harmonious relationships.
- Communication & Language in Marriage (20:12 – 24:47)
- How women frame their words impacts their spouse’s willingness to respond positively.
- Shifting from criticism to requests (e.g., “I miss you” instead of “You never spend time with me”) fosters connection.
- Understanding that men seek respect while women seek love is crucial.
- Breaking Negative Cycles (25:49 – 27:16)
- Avoiding defensiveness and ego-driven reactions prevents unnecessary conflicts.
- Recognizing personal triggers and working through them enhances communication.
- The Role of Vulnerability (30:21 – 34:34)
- Accepting imperfections in oneself and one’s partner is essential for growth.
- Letting go of the need to appear perfect allows for deeper emotional intimacy.
- Rise Up Queens’ Vision & Impact (36:15 – 40:30)
- The program helps women confront baggage, release shame, and embrace their true selves.
- Empowered women can transform their marriages and communities by embodying faith-based values.
Beginning Excerpt:
Title: “Christian Marriage Podcast: How Society is Deceiving Alpha Females in Marriage”
Transcript: “(00:02) [Music]
Today we’re gonna have some fun with our guest.
We have jessica lewis who’s the founder of rise up queens and we’re gonna get real and have some very challenging conversations.
A lot of these conversations people are not regularly having in our society today.
Jessica has some pretty unique perspectives working with women.
She runs a faith-based personal development seminar for women who want to tap into their feminine [character]: Breaking through either trauma or breaking through things that are preventing them from being truly free.
So she (00:41) has some unique perspectives and i can’t wait to dive in and have some of these hard conversations with you.
You’ve worked with many women.
You have a marriage transformation seminar so you know what it takes to make a great marriage. So let’s dive in.
I’m happy to have you.
I’m so happy to be here. Thank you thank you for having me. Yes, let’s dive into kind of a fun conversation that you’ve been having recently regarding the alpha female.
What is that? and how does it show up? It’s funny (01:17) because i feel like i was the alpha female in an unhealthy way, right?
- Society tells women that:
- you can have kids.
- You can go to work.
- you can be a wife
- you can do all of these things
and somehow do it well right and it’s i i got so mad
The other day we were watching the super bowl, and there was that commercial where they portrayed zeus, and then like his wife and zeus couldn’t even turn on the microwave and his wife’s like oh honey and she went and like click click click and it might have been an amazing commercial but just the portrayal of men (01:51) being weaker it’s like:
Society wants women to take the lead
It wants women to be the strong ones …
Chapters: (below)
Chapters are shared for your convenience and reference:
Whole Transcript:
Title: “Christian Marriage Podcast: How Society is Deceiving Alpha Females in Marriage”
Transcript: “(00:02) [Music]
Today we’re gonna have some fun for our guest.
We have jessica lewis who’s the founder of rise up queens and we’re gonna get real and have some very challenging conversations.
A lot of these conversations people are not regularly having in our society today.
Jessica has some pretty unique perspectives working with women.
She runs a faith-based personal development seminar for women who want to tap into their feminine [character]: Breaking through either trauma or breaking through things that are preventing them from being truly free.
So she (00:41) has some unique perspectives and i can’t wait to dive in and have some of these hard conversations with you.
You’ve worked with many women.
You have a marriage transformation seminar so you know what it takes to make a great marriage. So let’s dive in.
I’m happy to have you.
I’m so happy to be here. Thank you thank you for having me. Yes, let’s dive into kind of a fun conversation that you’ve been having recently regarding the alpha female.
What is that? and how does it show up? It’s funny (01:17) because i feel like i was the alpha female in an unhealthy way, right?
- Society tells women that:
- you can have kids.
- You can go to work.
- you can be a wife
- you can do all of these things
and somehow do it well right and it’s i i got so mad
The other day we were watching the super bowl, and there was that commercial where they portrayed zeus, and then like his wife and zeus couldn’t even turn on the microwave and his wife’s like oh honey and she went and like click click click and it might have been an amazing commercial but just the portrayal of men (01:51) being weaker it’s like:
Society wants women to take the lead
It wants women to be the strong ones.
and women to do that and i did it for a good portion of my life before we met each other and i created a lot of disaster and i believe i carried a lot of things that god didn’t intend women to carry in marriages so at rise up queens um i h ad to discover like this this feminine side of me like i lost it whether it was through childhood or the way i was raised like for some reason i lost it and when i entered in our relationship in the beginning like i (02:25) wanted to be in charge like i wanted to be the leader like i wanted to be alpha but it wasn’t from a healthy place it was from an unhealthy place of i’m going to keep you at a distance and i’m going to use that in order to stay in control and use that so that you can’t ever h urt me or so that i don’t have to be fearful of anything how does the alpha woman show up in relationships because yeah when we first met it was interesting because you had just got out of a relationship right you just gone through a divorce and you you (02:54) did not want to be the leader in the relationship but you still had that tendency to want to control things and want to still run but consciously you’re like hey i really want someone else to be the leader because it caused an incredible amount of stress and strife in your life so how does how does the alpha wife show up in in relationships um so the unhealthy alpha wife okay shows up in comparison so i would constantly compare myself to you and i always wanted to be better than you i was always judging myself against you (03:25) yet we’re supposed to be partners like we were supposed to be like we would compliment each other beautifully once we realized that we weren’t supposed to be the same so i wanted to be better than you r ight i wanted to lead the business i wanted to make the decisions i wanted to be in charge at the end of the day and i was going to challenge any authority that you that would stop that so i believe the alpha female the unhealthy alpha female uses that like um strong personality as a way to keep their spouse at a distance (03:58) right i didn’t want to like if we were gonna get in conflict i was gonna hurt you you weren’t gonna hurt me right i was i was almost in a sense like playing not to lose like i think you’ve been as plain not to lose in marriage like i was dominated with fear and fear of what was going to happen so i constantly unknowingly thought of ways that if you left me then i’m going to do this like there was always like a plan b there wasn’t an all-out commitment i wasn’t playing to win i wasn’t 100 in i was guarded and i wanted to make (04:30) sure that i no matter what if you weren’t gonna hurt me i was gonna stay in control that’s so good yeah i think we can do that on both sides right it’s uh i see this battle in a lot of relationships where the the man is trying to take control right of the relationship and then the the the woman right is also battling for control and then there’s just they’re going head to head and it’s causing strife especially high performers right it’s especially especially yeah because there’s obviously incredible women that (04:56) want to be stay-at-home moms but for for those women that have this desire to also go achieve and compet e in the marketplace which is fantastic they don’t know how to turn it off at home so they’re battling at home with their spouses bringing that same energy that masculine energy back into their house and then men are kind of confused right do we battle back do we like what’s what’s our role are we supposed to compete back how do we how do we manage this thing and it’s confusing because society right like you (05:25) mentioned tells women hey like you you need to be in control like you you should be leading uh and the bible says something completely different and so you also mentioned this conversation of commitment i love i’d love to hear like what was what was the major shift we’ve seen that a lot in relationships with the marriages that we’ve worked with where there’s just like they’re not committed they’re not all in on the relationship willing to do whatever it takes right the kind of one foot is is out ready to ready to go if that other (05:57) person does something that they don’ t like and so how how do you describe commitment and what are you seeing when you’re working with wives so when i think about commitment i i think it’s even a level deeper right because commitment is what it shows up as but like why do i not show up committed right what are the reasons that i’m not all in and the word like self-preservation comes to mind right like my interests are in myself like i come first in this meet and it’s i believe it’s deeply tied to like conditional love like (06:31) for some reason i was bred with this conditional love like i was gonna if you’re gonna withdraw love for me then i’m not gonna give it to you like i’m there i wasn’t like i didn’t understand just that concept of unconditional love and giving even if i might not get it in return or giving without expectation and being able to show up for you in a way like that no one’s potentially ever shown up for you before and i i believe like you you’ve modeled that to me and it’s still my tendency to self-pr ust naturally however that wasn’t that wasn’t my natural tendency i was preserving (07:36) me and making sure like i was playing not to lose like i wasn’t gonna get hurt again i wasn’t gonna have someone have that type of um influence over my emotions and influence over my heart anymore you had to surrender right yeah do uh right we talk about uh yeah there’s a book right that mentions surrenders and talks about surrendering right that’s kind of a challenge and the way you laughed about that was w through like one of my um favorite authors is laura doyle and she she gets constant criticism because um she’s teaching women how to surrender and like how to be feminine how to live it out but she’s all for women in the (09:09) marketplace earning as much as men and all four women achieving in business she’s like i i’m going to achieve on the outside world but when i come home i want to be worshipped and if i bring that same energy back home i’m not going to be worshipped like it’s just not p m that’s like this this this and this versus the mom that’s like okay guys let’s do this like that mom when i bring that out i get different results um so good and i love that you’re able to teach that because on this journey working with men at rise of kings right we’ve the challenge has been they’re on this journey of of stepping into their (10:40) greatness of becoming the man that god’s called them to be but then many times their wives are not on that same journey right they’re used to the o ract with me right so you would bring you would bring great conversations to us and what i thought was conflict and my view of conflict at one point was i don’t like it and i want to avoid it i want to do everything to it so when you would bring conflict i would bring this bigness and i would try and shut it down with anger and rage and frustration and just this bigness right and so i then trained you to not bring that for a while until i (12:07) was willing to shift in me like i love what we do ve to be willing to (13:09) say like this isn’t working i hate i hate it with everything in me that so many couples are surrendered to good in their marriage stuff isn’t working and they’re not willing to have the courage to have the hard conversations and to break through and sometimes that breakthrough takes a level of commitment that you’ve never had before preach it no it’s powerful right the good the great conversation and and and one of our core values that rise up kings is truth right tel it to a level ten then i wanna get it to the next level ten not only in our connection right in our intimacy in the bedroom in the way that we communicate (14:41) like in each way i wanna get it to a level 10 and that’s truly my passion with you babe is i want to i want to continue to uh be willing to in companies right companies that we work with when i when i do coaching and you know this when i walk in uh like when we start to make changes like stuff starts to get worse before it gets better before that is the interpersonal work like so often it’s easy to um just want to work like on the togetherness but until i worked on me and getting whole for me and like healing trauma as i healed me i was able to relate to you and see you in a different way right but until i got (16:16) whole individually and was able to see what’s like what is actually triggering me what’s bothering me like why could like i had to get curious i feel like we i just had a call with the ladies yesterday it’s kind ange like the things you actually look at start changing and so we have to be willing to say hey maybe my reality isn’t real maybe maybe like the way i’m looking at things isn’t actually the right way maybe maybe i’m way off and we have to that’s part of growth that’s part of being open and and many times i am way off right many times i have certain thoughts and conversations and ways of looking at things that are (17:46) actually backwards or that are missing key points of data or information a 43) from this and it’s the pride it’s the ego it’s the wanting to be right that like causes us to get stuck right and we have to be willing to say hey i’m okay being wrong you know and so that’s hard in relationships it’s uh it’s an ego thing mm-hmm um what you were saying earlier it makes me think uh lord the author that i love talks about spouse fulfilling prophecy so it’s one of the tools that i teach the ladies and so we’ve i had a coaching client we were talking and she used this tool and s en it happened or if he started cleaning him better but i was i changed like i (20:12) created the reality that i wanted to see and i believe we can say oh my husband my husband doesn’t want to spend time with me and if that’s the story you continue to say to yourself that is the evidence you’ll gather in your daily life you will see and focus on all the ways he doesn’t spend time with you when in reality he probably is showing up sometimes and he is going out of his way but it’s you can’t even y like you’ve been working a lot it’s all good i i would love a little bit more time with you right that’s how that’s how you that’s how you critique now mm-hmm and i would have before right so like the alpha (21:43) female would have been like you don’t care about me you don’t spend time with me it would have been like all about not putting you in a position to actually want to do it like i have the control with my language and the way i show up and the way i ask for things i lit i can create l an starting to soften and have that and i think it’s a combination of both ideally right it’s a combination of both the men really stepping up and loving on their wives right and building them up right and just and just like women want love right men want respect we need respect women need love like we (23:17) both need both however that’s that’s like primary and so i give you the love and take care of you and like and supportive of you and you and you therefore like want to respect me you and y t want you to be more romantic i want you to do this and um you got tickets for us to wicked and we had already seen wicked before and you i saw the credit card thing and you had spent a lot of money and i was like oh my goodness gracious right and so the first instinct in me was i asked you to do something and you did it but then i wanted to critique you and i wanted to say oh you didn’t do it right oh like you shouldn’t have spent that (24:47) much money you should like it’s like as women like merson egrets in love and respect talks (25:49) about an energizing cycle and this other cycle the cycle that doesn’t work right like i believe we’ve learned this rhythm of like as i love on you and give you what you need and show you respect and show up like i have we have the conversations like what do you need for me like how can i be better for you and i i don’t think those conversations are hard for you but they’re hard for me because my brain wants to go to i’m not good enough and take it clear it so like i don’t hold resentment towards you what’s that what’s a recent upset that we’ve had or i’ve messed up on something (27:16) i don’t know do you have one in mind um i’m just curious i don’t know i believe i mean most of our upsets are like when i think you’re like when i mistakenly see your intentions to as trying to control me versus trying to help me that’s your trigger right that’s kind of one of your biggest triggers is when i do try to fix you yeah right try to fix it no one re to love on us and to support us unless you say hey i need help with this problem can you help me fix it right then i’ll provide the answer but yeah that is that has been one of my one of my challenges for sure i can tell you what could have turned (28:41) into a fight with old me recently so yesterday we were talking about like my health stuff right and um i have just different challenges with my health and i was listing them all off and i wanted to be right about it i was almost um you didn’ to know like i had this perfection is a miss that like i needed to be seen as this ego like i needed to be seen as perfect right so anything any conversation that you are perfect and there’s no ugly parts of you any conversation it with you or conflict with you where you brought out that ugliness i had to defend that and so which i would defend it by anger by (30:21) attacking you by um discounting you by displacing it on you by minimizing it i would do everything to not see that and i think my ts of us right we have ugly parts of our body our mind our thoughts i rebuked that statement yeah we have parts that are just call it what society says is ugly right let’s embracing fat right embra like it is what it is like just not not judging yourself because you have that or not judging yourself because you have a thought that you shouldn’t have had right or because you turned it right we’re going victim or because i messed up again by right not not answering to a solution the right way or ( continue to love other people and love their darkness love their struggles love (32:57) their challenges love who they are or who they’re showing up as yeah and i feel like it ties back to the ego right because if i want i need you to see me as this like i’ve told the story but um a big shift in this like came with your mom like your mom wanted um some furniture from a house that we moved out of and i was like totally i will give it to you right i would love to give it to you yes and she follow see me as the kind and loving and caring daughter-in-law right so any and normally my brain would have just justified the lie and said oh no but that’s okay because like oh it would (34:34) have been a lot of work and it would have been a lot of work to get it to her but i said i would do it right so it’s just so interesting how we justify things that we know aren’t right to protect our ego right to keep our ego to protect the image that we have of ourselves which is ego oh i’m kind i’m loving t what’s the major shift that happens from the way they walk in until how they walk out i think when they come to the first event the first event is all about awareness right and so we deal with baggage we deal with lies like up on the stage i have my baggage right that i’m an adulterer that (36:15) i was abandoned as a kid that i was cheated on like just all the stuff that i carry with me that no one knows all the stuff that i bring into every single relationship that i don’t talk about we talk a ry a lot of that shame so then we discover like the weight of that shame and like what it looks like to let go of that and like what if we were just for an instance we’re able to see just for a moment see our body the way god sees us and see our naked body like i don’t have them get naked there but like they’re naked but like what if like they just begin to develop this new relationship with the ugliness (37:49) the new relationship with the truth of who they are because only from knowing where nds the person (38:49) they’re going to spend the rest of their life with and have an opportunity to have the deepest connection with they don’t have to hide behind that fakeness anymore and they can actually create vulnerability in a way that they’ve never had before that’s so cool and i know you haven’t i’m gonna put you on the spot i know you haven’t really maybe you’ve thought about it but what’s your vision what’s your vision for rise up queens like what is where do you see it going and how anxiety and bondage and all of these things but we’re truly set free so there’s a disconnect there right so then as i as these women can live in their freedom then to (40:30) collectively right we can then transform marriages like we can change like a weight an awakened man an awakened woman like that’s someone who’s going to go impact their community that’s someone that can go run bible studies and be the light like truly be the light on the hill and love how jesus loved but if i don’t deal wi ut may her breast satisfy you always right may your breasts satisfy you always in marriage but if she doesn’t view her breast is beautiful and doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her body i can’t let them satisfy you forever in marriage divine inspiration right we prayed that (42:04) god would uh give you the words to say so that’s that’s fantastic it’s a um yeah it’s powerful there’s a uh yeah when you when you start healing some of that stuff and start right we talk about ugliness but in he work that you’re doing right it’s causing it inspiring me to continue to level up and to continue to grow so for those of you that are listening it’s obvious right she’s a powerhouse and doing some big things so i’m uh i’m grateful for you to for jump on and take time out and actually these are fun we got to do more of these for sure i think we mentioned that the last time we had a great (43:35) conversation and then a year later right we have another conversation …