Marriage = 2 people committed to Bringing out the best in one another
What does godly Sex, Trust,
And Submission look like?
The things no one talks about in marriage …
- How do couples make decisions together?
- What does godly sex look like?
- How to overcome marital conflict?
Chapters
- 0:00 – Coming Up
- 0:41 – Talking About Marriage: What is it?
- 2:04 – Submission: How it Works
- 7:52 – Making Big Decisions
- 10:09 – Defining Godly (Beneficial) Sex
- 15:08 – Reconciliation and Rebuilding
- 19:39 – Common Mistakes Made
- 22:59 – Advice for Different Seasons
For information on my books, resources, speaking schedule, and more, visit LisaBevere.com
Why do so many couples struggle with the same issues—but never talk about them? Lisa and Christian dive into tough marriage questions, including:
- What does submission really mean?
- Fostering a fulfilling sex life
- Handling disagreements in a healthy way
- Making big decisions together as a team
- Healing and rebuilding after betrayal
- Navigating different life stages—raising kids, empty nests, and more.
No matter where you are in your marriage, this episode will help you grow stronger together.
Summary of “The Things NO ONE Talks About In Marriage w/Lisa Bevere”
- (00:00) Marriage & Mutual Growth: Marriage is about two people committed to bringing out the best in each other, which involves mutual respect, open communication, and shared responsibility.
- (01:14) Submission in Marriage: Submission is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean diminishing the woman but working together as a unified team. A wife submits to her husband as he submits to Christ, but never to abuse or harmful demands.
- (04:03) Biblical Responsibility of Husbands: Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church—protecting, nurturing, and honoring them. A husband’s mistreatment of his wife affects his own relationship with God.
- (05:40) Boundaries in Marriage & Sex: Submission does not mean complying with inappropriate or uncomfortable sexual demands. Pornography and selfish sexual behavior are discouraged, as they do not align with biblical values.
- (08:08) Decision-Making as a Couple: Big decisions should be made together, valuing both voices. Timing and tone matter when discussing important topics, and mutual agreement should be sought.
- (10:31) Godly Sex & Communication: A fulfilling sex life is about connection, not just physical intimacy. Open communication about needs, desires, and boundaries fosters a healthier relationship.
- (15:39) Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: Trust is lost in buckets and regained drop by drop. When trust is broken (e.g., infidelity), couples must be intentional about healing, seek counseling, and decide whether to rebuild or separate.
- (19:49) Common Marriage Pitfalls: Focusing on a spouse’s flaws instead of strengths, lack of intentional quality time, and failing to enjoy each other contribute to marital struggles.
- (22:34) Small Acts Strengthen Marriage: Simple gestures like cuddling, hugging, walking together, and showing appreciation help sustain emotional closeness and de-escalate conflicts.
Title: “The Things NO ONE Talks About In Marriage w/Lisa Bevere”
Transcript: “(00:00) we are going to be talking about marriage two people committed to Bringing out the best in one another but what does that even look like Godly sex does not involve porn Godly sex does not involve masturbation M oh gosh no no that’s self seex I don’t believe in self seex because it becomes selfish sex the number one question is what in the world is submission and do we still have to do it today so many people think that submission is some kind of diminishing of the woman but submission is actually welcome to the podcast we (00:43) discovered something last season that you guys want to talk about marriage and you guys want to talk about demons and so today we’re not talking about demons because we’re hoping those don’t cross-pollinate we are going to be talking about marriage and I believe that marriage is two people committed to Bringing out the best in one another and so many people are like but what does that even look like I mean that’s a great little phrase but what does tha t look like well I will tell you it is iron sharpening iron it is both people (01:14) saying things so that they can be heard it isn’t women having no voice and the man having all the voice it isn’t woman having all the voice and the man having no voice it is both the man and the woman speaking to one another other with respect and in the hope of actually building the other person up because when you’re married you are a power Union and if you’re a power Union you’re going to only be as strong a s the weakest link I remember there used to be a show called The Weakest Link then they would eliminate the weakest links well (01:50) in a marriage you have somebody who is a catalyst that helps you grow from a weak link to a strong link and so we’re going be talk about linking some things up today yes how to work on your on your link working on the links y okay yes I feel I have a great privilege here because I’m just asking the questions that we all want to know whether we’re single we’re eng aged or we’re married but we’re really going to hone in on some what do you do in the marriage realm and you’re not going to be surprised by this the number one (02:19) question that comes in which please submit your questions here because we love hearing from you and they get brought into our episodes but the number one question is what in the world is submission and do we still have to do it today I mean there’s Ephesians 5:22 that says women or why not women wiv submit to your husband but wha t does that should be women so that’s okay I don’t have a problem but don’t just go submitting to anyone just because you’re a woman but the person that you decide to link with yes how do you submit to (02:49) him do we still have to because it’s the 21st century it’s so interesting I mean I’m you know I I feel like so many people think that submission is some kind kind of diminishing of the woman but submission is actually working together in a union so we submit with people that we are buildin g with so I submit to my husband who submits to Christ so there’s like an order and of course in my submission to my husband there is submission to Christ but I would not submit to my husband if he asked me to do something that would be (03:26) counterproductive to my submission of Christ so I’m not submitted to evil I’m not submitting to things that are unhealthy or abuse I don’t submit to abuse this is this is not what we’re talking about because I know sometimes the submission things go sidew ays but we have to remember again bringing up Ephesians that God has way more weight and instruction for the husband than he does for the wife I mean he says wife submit to your husband like the church submits to Jesus basically you love and you respect and you honor so here here’s (04:03) the dynamic but to the husband he’s like love your wife like Christ loves the church he’s like hey this is what you have to do you have to wash her with the water of the word you have to evoke her beauty you h ave to live to bring out the best in her I mean he’s very very specific he says in Peter if you’re mean to your wife I’m not going to listen to your prayers she is a joint Heir with Christ so submission is two people on Mission and sub means under and miss Miss means assignment you submit to people that you are on assignment with (04:37) and you think what’s an assignment in a marriage well an assignment in a marriage is two people growing in love and grace John and I it’s it’s hilarious I mean we’re we’re both super intense and recently we had a little bit of a disagreement on something and John’s like fine then I just won’t do this and and I fine I won’t do that and then we had to say wait a minute is is that really what we want is that honoring God that either of us would opt out of honoring God in our marriage and honoring God in our relationship and we (05:10) like no that’s not so we made a commitment that we’re going to grow in love and we’re going to grow in godliness and we’re going to grow in Grace with one another which means submission and this happen Christian I don’t I don’t know if I’m bringing up something I shouldn’t bring up but I I’ve had some women say to me uh listen my husband’s asking me to do things I’m not comfortable with my husband’s asking me to watch porn with him or my husband’s asking me to do things sexually that I I’m not comfortable with (05:40) that is not submission submission does not violate one for the benefit of the other submission mea ns that you guys are on goal Mission and assignment together and if one person is uncomfortable with something the other person should be like I understand you’re not comfortable I want to honor you you so I’m going to honor the fact that that’s uncomfortable for you and sorry pornography should never be something that you partake in in your marriage people are like well but I’m learning no you’re not learning you’re watching other people have sex (06:16) and that is wrong it is not okay and the n you end up having images in your mind that you should never have in your mind so that’s a hard no the other thing for John and I is a hard no for John is a hard no for for both of us a hard no for me is a hard no for both of us and we you know we don’t just live together as husband and wife we work together as husband and wife which is always an interesting Dynamic and actually complicates it a little bit more but my husband is not a hard Taskmaster and I’m not trying to be rebellious so we ar e (06:54) living together on Mission Submission never takes dignity away away from the person that is under her husband that is not and I don’t even like under because under makes it sound like no I’m not talking what we work together we’re coair of the grace of life my husband knows my weaknesses and my strengths and submission means that he is constantly celebrating my strength without uh having he’s not unaware of my weaknesses he’s actually loving me into a place of Greater strength I don’t know if that makes sense but submission doesn’t work (07:36) submission doesn’t work if a husband is domineering and and aggressive and abusive it doesn’t work and it shouldn’t work because you’re submitted to his vision and if he doesn’t have you know someone that acts in that way is not living through a vision or living like Christ right yeah this Lees into into another question that we have is okay you are submitted but you also have your own voice your own opinion your own prerogatives on th ings so how do you make big decisions together yeah well again hard no for one is a hard no for (08:08) both but yes you do have an opinion and a wise husband will actually draw on the wisdom and the Insight of his wife and he’ll care about the input of his children if you’re a leader you are living on behalf of the people under your care John and I believe that Authority is for protection provision and Direction and so submission means I’m living to provide an atmosphere that has order order th ere’s going to be order uh the kids aren’t sure the kids aren’t saying I’m going to ask Mom one thing and if she says no I’m going to go (08:42) to Dad because the kids know that Mom and Dad look at things the same and then you know hopefully you don’t play into that because kids will play you can say things like well would your dad say or you can say hey I’m gonna have to talk to your dad about that we we we’ll get together have a decision for you but yeah you should have a voice but the truth is when you get married you live for the benefit of both not just for the benefit of one but the benefit of both and so you have a voice you have ideas you have dreams assume that the other (09:19) person wants to hear those things but be open to timing and insight and talk it through and maybe maybe picking the best time to have those conversations is really important because I would try to have these conversations late at night and John was like I know like it’s everything’s just going to be n o because I’m tired so choose your time choose your tone and then have a conversation in a way where you’re saying I know how generous you are and I know how committed you are to my growth this is something that’s just been stirring in (09:57) me and I I want you to speak into it and I think think that’s inviting leadership into something in your life that you are hoping will benefit both people because you’re no longer to you’re one Speaking of benefiting both people someone asked a question ar ound how to have for their words Godly sex godx so what how would you say how would you define Godly sex and then um what’s your advice but I guess if we’re getting down to it how do you have a sex life that benefits both people that doesn’t feel um restrictive (10:31) to a man but doesn’t feel like transactional to a woman what have yall learned yeah and you know somebody asked me they’re like I cannot believe that you sit across and talk to your daughter-in-law about sex I’m like I can’t belie ve it either but um one one of the things I want the benefit of grandbabies so I want them to have sex it’s it’s it’s a beautiful wonderful thing and I want both of them happy and fulfilled uh again if you’re wanting to have a fulfilled sex life it isn’t about uh your body it’s about (11:06) communication they say that the number one sex organ is your brain it’s not it’s not your body it’s your brain it’s how you look at your partner it’s how you’re approaching it is how you’re you’re thinking a bout because if you are self-conscious you know I you know there’s been so many times where I thought I don’t want to have sex because I feel so fat or bloated or disgusting or or you know whatever that’s me that’s me so if you want to have a fulfilling sex life your focus needs to be the other person and and being other (11:37) personwise and being focused on giving rather than getting is always going to end up in the long run better for both of you and and again you know if if sex can’t be a d uty so you’ve got to watch it like you know I remember you know like some conversations would come up and joh be like I you know this needs to happen and I’d be like see that’s not a good start that’s like I’ll tell you I’ll tell you what I like if you want something to happen you help me in the kitchen if you want something to happen you help with the kidss homework (12:13) if you want something to happen make space yeah you kiss the back of my neck you make sure that something’s taken care of you put the kids to bed tonight so and I don’t have any of these problems anymore I don’t have to but but when the kids were young and those kind of conversations where you have to kind of be stealth you know and and then there was other things where you know I’d have to say well um I’d have to talk to myself Christian I’d have to be like okay you you like sex you like sex you don’t think you do right now because you’re (12:42) tired and it just sounds like a lot of work but you actually like th is so you need to remember that and we have the five minute rule at our house which is basically if my husband can get me in the mood he can have me and that’s that’s just something so he always knows I’m trying he always knows I’m like okay I I’m you know I’m not going to reject you but then I’m like babe before boy just too tired how about we just find each other in the middle of the night and he’ll be like okay but what I don’t want to do is reject reject reject I (13:13) want to create space and your sexual life is very important so Godly sex does not involve porn Godly sex does not involve um you know masturbation M oh gosh no no that’s self sex yeah I don’t know if that’s where you’re going but no I was I didn’t I didn’t know that I mean hey if you’re married that’s yeah and and but you hear stories of yeah okay and everybody’s going to just say I’m a grandma on this one but I do not believe that you should Rob your partner of your passion and I feel like I I’ve heard some people say you know different (13:49) things about it’s okay if you’re separated from your spouse to to be involved in self- sex or masturbation I’m like no it no it isn’t you shouldn’t either be away that long or your partner deserves all of your passion when you get home and and I don’t I don’t believe in uh self sex because it becomes selfish sex you’re the focus there’s no other person that is the focus so Godly sex involves communication I listen don’t be angry that your husband can’t read your m ind tell him when it’s not a sensitive moment I really like it (14:31) when you kiss my neck or I really like it this but I don’t like that I mean you have every right to to tell him and talk to him and guess what he has every right to talk to you so it goes both ways you know speaking to the person that said I can’t believe y all talked about that daughter-in-law and mother-in-law I love hearing about this because I know how much it aids y’all’s other connection and Ard and I get to watch like y’all be fun and y’all be flirty and so I feel like there’s a sense of this that’s not (15:02) just in the bedroom but it exceeds into other parts of our lives so thank you for talking about it absolutely another question we have is uh on a a very different scale for for marriage but it’s how do you reconcile after mistrust has taken place whether there’s been infidelity whether there’s just been a lot of conflict and and bitterness there how do you get back to where you want to be in your marri age yeah I mean I think there’s a St it says trust is built drop by drop and when it’s broken it’s lost in buckets and so sometimes it takes (15:39) some time and um trust though is worth investing your time in and it’s not punitive to want to rebuild a relationship and and when some ground is lost being able to say what can we do what can we do to rebuild and and you know what are some of the things that we learned where did where did we go wrong in this conversation where did you know if there ‘s an affair you know um a woman has a right to divorce or she has the right to stay with her husband and um she needs to make that choice but if she decides if she decides that she’s going (16:20) to stay with him she does need to give him a new beginning you know because if if you’re like I’m going to stay with with you but I’m going to hold this over your head for the rest of our marriage it’s not a marriage no it’s not a marriage and it would be better if you just had a clean break so and yo u know God God God has mercy and he understands there’s some betrayals that are just too painful so I I’ve always felt that when there is an affair the woman has a choice she either can leave she has scriptural grounds to leave or she can (16:57) stay but either way it’s going to be difficult it it’s because that that is a tearing when when there is a betrayal in a marriage where one partner betrays the other sexually then there is always going to be a breach that requires attention and that req uires intentionality that requires humility on the person that that wounded the other person and then you know believing the best but building different so you don’t end up 6 months down the the road in the same situation so you know you have to say how did we get here you have to have (17:34) the hard conversations and again I think counseling is great as long as we can bring forgiveness in and and Jesus in but I don’t think uh I think sometimes people just say get over it like I I was listenin r calling it out rather than healing the pain can you imagine can you imagine the pain that woman went through the fear for her own children the Betrayal of feeling like her church family and they actually publicly shunned her for saying something so these are things that the church should not do these are things that Jesus never intended to have happen in the church I (18:47) am all for you just get a bunch of men show up at the house beat the crap out of them and just say do this again we’re g nd you need to sort this out we’ll come alongside you if you’re willing to go on the journey but we will not come alongside you if you’re going to continue to live like this so you’re sharing some of these moments that are the what have we done how have we gotten here what are as we wrap up what are some of your advice on the common mistakes that you see that maybe are those trickling spots where the trust starts to dip out and then uh your (19:49) advice for how to have a thriving marriage bein se things and so I became more of a expert on my husband’s failings weaknesses than his strengths so when you are building a healthy marriage it’s not that you’re not unaware but you need to have the same mindset that when I go to Jesus he always believes the best in me he know he knows more than anybody my weaknesses my failures my sin he knows all of those things but he never shames me he always says I believe better things when I confess it he believes better things whereas as a wife I used t ou did when you were dating like your friends like your (21:30) allies not enemies and then you enjoy each other too many couples they just don’t enjoy each other you know they don’t I mean John and I you know I very very challenged in Italian but I always say to him p and he’s like what what does that even mean I said passare it’s passar time and he’s like what is that I mean go go for a walk it just means we need to go on a passage like we need to go for a walk and it’s an Italian tradition af the demand for sex and men need cuddling too so cuddling is very important we we call it cuddle time we’re like it’s cuddle time you know and (22:34) then sometimes you don’t have to have the last word sometimes you just need to walk over and give them a hug hugs are healing in your marriage they’re healing with your kids they’re healing in your marriage they’re healing for you sometimes rather than have the last word or escalate it you can deescalate it by just walking over putting your arms a he little kids always home never time with each other it’s a season it’s not a forever and make your relationship a priority in front of your children it’s it’s very important that you do that and again you can go for a walk around the (23:42) block and your kids will be safe in your house you just walk around they can be in the front yard playing backyard playing I I love fenc in backyard but you can go for a walk or you can just walk up and down the driveway I don’t know but you need time as a ou know I John thinks he’s in heaven with empty nest um so we are you know it’s just you just enjoy different things in that season and we’ve taken on some you know Hobbies my husband is cooking he is he’s like acting like he’s my Sue Chef which is very interesting um and so we just we enjoy doing things he (24:53) never helped me cook when I had the kids and so we’re enjoying things that are different we talk about things that are different we watch things so that w”