Is your spouse controlling?
What are the signs of a controlling spouse?
Of course, both men and women can be controlling. This particular video is focused on identifying controlling behaviors of a wife because they are more subtle and often designed to be deniable.
Summary of “Married To A Controlling Wife”
- (00:00) Understanding Control in Marriage
- Being controlled by a spouse can be painful, affecting thoughts, decisions, and passions.
- The video addresses common concerns from husbands who feel controlled by their wives.
- (01:09) Defining Control Using the PIES Framework
- Control in marriage is an unhealthy power imbalance.
- PIES stands for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual control.
- (01:46) Examples of Control in Marriage
- Physical Control: Withholding sex, financial control, or physical intimidation.
- Intellectual Control: Arguing until the husband gives in.
- Emotional Control: Criticism, belittling, and withholding respect.
- Spiritual Control: Using religious texts to manipulate behavior.
- (05:00) Assessing Safety in a Controlling Marriage
- If control escalates to abuse, safety must be the priority.
- Example: A physically fit husband was still at risk due to his wife’s violent outbursts.
- (06:11) Refusing to Be Controlled
- Husbands should set boundaries and say “no” to control.
- Examples: Not meeting unrealistic expectations or prioritizing personal interests.
- (07:23) Handling a Wife’s Resistance to Losing Control
- Expect pushback when asserting boundaries.
- Stand firm to shift the relationship dynamic in a healthy direction.
- (08:40) Communicating with Strength, Calmness, and Gentleness
- Using “no” while showing understanding and willingness to collaborate.
- Avoid escalating conflicts while maintaining firm boundaries.
- (09:53) Encouragement for Change
- Husbands should balance self-respect with respect for their wives.
- The goal is to create a marriage where both partners’ needs are met.
- (10:28) Free Resource & Further Exploration
- A free eBook on control in marriage is available.
••Additional content for wives dealing with controlling husbands is also provided.
Title: “Married To A Controlling Wife”
Transcript: “(00:00)
If you’ve ever been controlled before, then you know how bad it can feel.
Your thoughts, decisions. even your passions, and hobbies, must first pass the muster of the person controlling you.
Being controlled by anybody is terrible, but it’s especially painful, when the person controlling you is the person who should be accepting you as you are.
What do you do if you’re married to a controlling wife?
hi my name’s nathan and i’m a coach here at marriage helper.
In this video i’ll answer three questions we get a lot from husbands who (00:35) feel they’re being controlled by their wives be sure to stick around to the end of this video for a free resource to further help you take positive action amidst a controlling marriage but first a quick reminder to like and subscribe to help us reach more people in our mission to support strengthen and save marriages and so that you can stay up to date with all of the fresh content that we put out on a regular basis okay let’s dive in and start by discussing what control looks like when it comes to a marriage control is (01:09) best defined as an uneven and unhealthy balance of power in the relationship we use the pies to break down the ways in which control is often demonstrated within a marriage pies is an acronym that stands for physical intellectual emotional and spiritual it’s a way to help our clients explore the different components of themselves and their relationship let’s use the pies to see if we can make more sense of what control in a marriage looks like starting with physical what might it look like for a wife to control her husband physically (01:46) one common form of physical control is the wife withholding sex from her husband as a mean to get what she wants another form of physical control comes in the form of physical domination this controlling behavior is typically more observed among husbands because in general men tend to be physically bigger and stronger than women which makes it easier for them to abuse their strength in size to get what they want however this is not always the case and i’ve worked with a male client who has been physically controlled in this (02:16) way a more nuanced form of physical control could rear its head in the form of finances if your wife is the primary breadwinner and is in charge of the income and outgo of your household then she may use that power to withhold money in such a way that you can’t afford the things that you need to function properly what about intellectual control one of the more common forms of intellectual control comes in the form of argumentation i know of several relationships in which the wife controls her husband by arguing (02:49) with him until she gets what she wants many times the argument isn’t resolved because you the husband agree with her decision but because you just don’t want to argue anymore ending a disagreement by using intellectual control in this way almost always makes the husband feel worse about himself his wife and the relationship let’s jump to emotional control this is probably the form of control i see the most among my male clients their wives don’t dominate them physically nor do they argue them into submission but they criticize belittle (03:24) and cut down their husbands with a vengeance men often cite respect as one of the qualities of the relationship that is most essential and controlling wives know this and will use it to their advantage if you feel like the only way to get your wife to respect you is to give in to her demands especially without your voice being heard then you may be experiencing emotional control and finally there’s spiritual control this is the one i see the second most common among my male clients spiritual control is closely related to (03:57) emotional control but utilizes religious texts and moral principles to enact it many of my clients here in america come from a christian tradition and their wives knowledge of the bible can give them lots of ammunition to control their husbands jesus said you shouldn’t divorce your wife except for infidelity and you darn well better know i haven’t been sleeping with anyone else or according to the bible you as the husband should be caring for me like you care for your own body or perhaps the most dastardly paul says (04:28) your body belongs to me and that you shouldn’t withhold it from me sexually in each of these examples the wife uses a religious text and preys on the piety of her husband to try and force him to stay in the marriage give her more attention and have sex with her whenever she wants it now that we’ve established what control looks like let’s explore what you should do if you determine you’re being controlled by your wife the first and most important thing to ask yourself is am i safe no form of control is good for a (05:00) marriage but there are varying degrees of control that sometimes can cross over into abuse for example the male client i mentioned earlier who was being controlled by his wife physically needed to hear from a professional that he should remove himself from the situation because the situation he was in was not safe his wife was yelling at him pushing him throwing and shattering dishes putting holes in the wall now this guy was a top tier athlete who was in incredible shape he wasn’t in danger of his life but he was in danger (05:33) of being seriously hurt and his wife at that time was completely unhinged if the current situation you find yourself in is unsafe get to safety immediately listen we are all for saving marriages and we’ve seen some amazing turnarounds from some seemingly impossible situations but nothing positive ever comes about when the situation is unsafe if you are not safe the first step in saving your marriage is to get to safety immediately ok so you’ve determined you’re safe but you still feel controlled what should you do (06:11) refuse to be controlled you say nathan i don’t think you understand the situation here if i don’t give in to her demands she won’t sleep with me she’ll spread rumors about me or she’ll nag me to death you may be right and i’m sorry if this is the case but living in a marriage defined by control rarely gets better until the control is dealt with and since i have your attention and not your wife’s then i can only work with you and i’m telling you you must refuse to be controlled what does that even look like well it starts by using the word no (06:50) no i cannot get to the house project by the end of the week but i’m happy to work with you on picking a timeline that is more realistic for me no i won’t skip out on basketball again for the third week in a row physical exercise is important to me i’m happy to work with you to pick another evening to watch a show with you or no i don’t agree with you i hear what you’re saying and understand how you could feel that way but i still think it’s wrong for me to send that text to my parents as hard as it may be refusing to be controlled is a necessary (07:23) step in the transformation from a controlling marriage to a healthy one so we’ve explored what control looks like and discussed the necessity to refuse to be controlled but how should you respond when your wife gets upset that she’s unable to control you two things first stand firm if you choose to refuse to be controlled you should expect resistance people don’t like change especially when the change involves them feeling like they’re losing power your wife may have not heard you tell her no which will undoubtedly be unwelcomed at (08:05) first expect her attempts to control to intensify and when they do stand firm while it may make the relationship shaky in the beginning it’s absolutely essential for the dynamic to shift if the marriage is to survive and thrive for the long term controlling behavior already demonstrates a lack of respect in the marriage which is unhealthy for the relationship the respect you feel for yourself and the respect your wife has for you or lack thereof will only get worse if you refuse her control at first only to give in to her demands later (08:40) second respond in a way that is strong calm and gentle martin luther king jr once said that darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that in a similar way disrespect as demonstrated by controlling behavior cannot drive out disrespect i am not encouraging you to pick a fight or escalate conflict and one of the best ways to keep that from happening is by paying close attention not just to what you say but the way in which you say it let’s take a look at the three previous examples i gave of a husband using the (09:17) word no and see if i can’t make this point more clear notice that in each of these examples the husband refuses to be controlled by using the word no but also responds in a way that is strong calm and gentle the language demonstrates an understanding of the wife’s needs and desires but does not allow the husband’s needs and desires to be overlooked on top of that there’s a general willingness on the part of the husband to work with his wife to create a solution where both of their needs can be met if you want to stop being controlled (09:53) make sure you stand firm with your no and that you communicate in a way that is strong calm and gentle so what do you think leave us a comment and let us know what kind of control you feel like you’re experiencing the most in your marriage as promised we want to give you a free ebook that further explores issues of control in a marriage click the link to check it out if you want to continue to explore the issue of control check out this video we created for wives who feel they are married to a controlling husband (10:28) thanks for watching you”