Key Takeaways from “This Common Communication Habit Leads to Divorce”

1. “Kitchen Sinking” (00:40)

   • A destructive communication habit where a fight about one issue turns into an argument about everything.

   • Example: A discussion about Thanksgiving plans escalates into grievances about finances and in-laws.

   • This pattern destabilizes relationships and can lead to divorce.

2. Why It Happens (01:35)

   • In conflict, people instinctively try to control the conversation and each other.

   • This leads to defensive reactions and escalated tensions.

3. The Solution: Control Together (02:04)

   • Instead of trying to control your partner, control the conversation together.

   • Set boundaries (e.g., focus only on Thanksgiving, not other issues).

   • Control the environment (e.g., postpone discussions if emotions are high).

4. The Listening Misconception (03:11) Active Listening vs. Mindless Listening 

   • Many think listening means staying silent, nodding, or making eye contact.

   • True listening involves actively proving that you are engaged.

5. Looping for Understanding (03:47)

   • A technique used in law schools to ensure active listening:

     1. Ask a deep question.

     2. Repeat what you heard in your own words.

     3. Ask if you understood correctly.

   • This builds trust and encourages mutual listening.

6. Psychological Safety (06:00)

   • When people feel heard and validated, they are less defensive.

   • Asking “Did I get that right?” shows humility and creates a collaborative atmosphere.

7. The Airplane Seat Example (07:00)

   • Instead of reacting negatively when someone reclines their seat, kindly ask them to adjust.

   • This builds a relationship and reduces frustration on both sides.

8. Workplace Application (07:59)

   • Many professionals leave good jobs due to difficult colleagues.

   • Leaders can prevent this by addressing workplace tensions and facilitating understanding.

These habits can transform communication
in both marriages and professional relationships.

Title: “This Common Communication Habit Leads to Divorce”

Transcript: “(00:01) [Music]

What are some top of Mind bad habits that are hindering our communication yeah so that we aren’t connecting so um stay away from these yeah stay away from these so and I’ll give you the solutions to them so oh good so there’s one in marriage therapy that like is is is known as the pattern or the Habit that a couple can fall into which almost inevitably leads to divorce and it’s known as kitchen sinking okay I got to take notes on this I’ve made it 27 years so I want I want to finish well good stuff going well okay kitchen sinking (00:40) all right so kitchen sinking is when we’re having a fight and a fight becomes one thing suddenly or a fight about one thing becomes a fight about everything right so so every couple fights do you have cameras in my house I feel very exposed right now right so so we’re talking about like where we going to go on Thanksgiving right and then it becomes well your mom hates me right and we can’t do that cuz you don’t earn enough money right that’s the kitchen sink you’re throwing everything in okay that is a terrible (01:07) pattern and I’m sure you don’t actually do that because because it’s it’s it really destabilizes so what is the right habit the right habit well let me explain why you were doing that we’re doing that because when we’re in a fight when we feel threatened we have an Impulse to control and the most obvious thing to control is the other person so I try and say to you like no I’m not going to talk about that or you you always yeah you’re right I did that thing wrong but you did this thing wrong right I want to control (01:35) this conversation and we hate it when someone else tries to control us so now the walls go up so now the walls go up so what do we do instead what’s the better habit well we still have that instinct to control but instead of me trying to control you instead of me trying to control where this conversation goes let’s find some things we can control together like what if we both say okay look let’s just talk about Thanksgiving we’re not going to talk about moms we’re not going to talk about money we can talk about that later but for right now (02:04) let’s just talk about Thanksgiving we’re going to control the boundaries of the conversation together what if we control the environment okay it’s 11 o’clock at night instead of talking about this can we just let’s sleep and then talk about this in the morning when we’re both a little bit better rested is that okay now we’re controlling the environment together if we take that impulse for control and we apply it to things that we can do together then suddenly we’re on the same team and instead of us coming at everything at a (02:33) loggerheads now we can say here’s the thing that we’re not seeing eye to eye on but we want to sit on the same side of the table and figure it out together that’s the first really important habit another communication habit that’s really really that can be really bad and and a better alternative is many of us don’t totally understand what listening is because we’ve fallen into a listening habit it that we see modeled in television and movies where listening means I stop talking and just listen to you maybe I make eye contact maybe I (03:11) shake my head but as you know that’s not listening what listening is is not only hearing what you’re saying but also proving to you that I’m listening and there’s a technique particularly in situations of conflict that’s known as looping for understanding that they teach at all these Law School schol how to prove that you’re listening to some and it’s got three steps the first step is ask a question preferably a deep question right if you’re Furious get curious just ask any question then listen to what the person replies and (03:47) step two repeat back in your own words what you heard them say now the important thing here is this isn’t about mimicry right because if I just mimic you that’s what bad salesmen do you’d know that I’m not paying attention I’m just on autopilot but if I say to you you know you told me this thing and it’s so interesting um it reminds me of something you said last week and what I hear you saying is this that that you’re frustrated by X and Y and Z that’s step two repeat back in your own words step three and this is the step I always (04:17) forget because we usually do one or two kind of intuitively step three is ask if you got it right they did I hear you correctly am am I am I understanding what you’re saying because what’s actually happening in that moment when I ask you if if I heard you if I got it right I’m asking you for permission to acknowledge that I was listening yes and when you acknowledge that you become more likely to listen to me so the bad habit is just to say oh listening is about to keep my mouth shut and the good habit is to say no listening is active (04:50) listening is asking follow-up questions listening is looping for for understanding listening is showing you that I’m paying attention and that means sometimes I talk and I contribute and we have a conversation instead of just monologues this is back to what you said a few moments ago that marriage and our work relationships are so similar and again this is huge for existing with a cooworker if you got a problematic co-worker so this is team member to team member I’ve got some frustration here they’re I consider them toxic whatever (05:22) it is yeah and then the leader because what I hear there is psychological safety back to that that person when I do step three which is genius did I hear that right I am not making a statement I am keeping it in that entire in interrogative kind of because what’s great about a question I’ve always said this versus a statement is a question requires you to have input yeah if I make a statement you might get defensive immediately but what I love about that technique is here’s what I’m hearing you say did I get that right they feel seen (06:00) Hur that’s absolutely yeah they feel they see oh they’re actually trying my leader just looked at me and said am I did I did I get that right they’re actually leaning in to me psychologically yeah absolutely and what could be more humble right what what could be a greater display of humility than saying Hey did I am I hearing you correct I was thinking about this you take a lot of flights I take a lot of flights I’m sure many of you guys take flights all the time so there’s nothing worse than when you’re there and the person in (06:31) front of you just like puts their seat back suddenly into your lap right and it’s like right it’s it’s like 11:00 in the morning do you really need to recline in your chair cuz I can’t open my computer just got my IP set up exactly exactly so so it used to drive me crazy and I I was talking to this researcher and he’s like here’s what you should do when that when the person does it just tap them on the shoulder and say hey um I’m really sorry do you mind just moving your chair up a little bit just cuz I I need a little bit more room (07:00) um and I totally understand like you want to recline and just is that okay and he said two things will happen number one they’ll move their chair almost all the way up because suddenly suddenly they have a relationship number two you’ll stop caring whether the chair is back suddenly they’re this person because they’re probably going to turn to you and they’re going to be like oh you know I’m sorry I hurt my back and I really have to like lean back but I’ll try and I’ll try and raise it up a little bit and suddenly you’re like oh (07:24) the guy’s got a hurt back like I guess I can you know it it bothers you less so I think to exactly your point when we just try and say you’re not the Rude Dude putting your chair back you’re a human being and break through that suddenly not only does are they more willing to accommodate us we become more willing to accommodate them the thing they’re doing bothers us less that’s Key by the way to getting along with co-workers yeah I mean I see this data all the time because I’m studying it but it’s bananas like how many people will leave a job (07:59) that is a great professional spot for them but they just cannot get past dealing with the difficult person yeah and often times if somebody if some leader came into their life and said there seems like there’s some tension here let’s sit down let’s talk about that tension let’s talk about Who We Are”