A Secret Worth Investigating

 

An excerpt:

7 laws of a Biblical marriage: (a God glorifying & thriving marriage).

• “We use the word laws, like the law of gravity.”
• You can deny this law all you want, but if you jump off a building, you’re going to Splat.
• These laws function like that.

 

 1.   The law of Preeminence: Christ is Overall …

The most important person in your marriage isn’t you, nor your spouse. It is Christ. 

So we start here: Go to John 4, where Jesus, a.k.a. Yeshua is talking with the woman at the well.

“Looks like you’ve had five husbands. Now you’re Living with a sixth man. 

Your problem isn’t the men. Your problem is this:

You’re looking to men to be something they can’t be, namely your functional Savior.

 

Note:  So your secondary relationship problems won’t get fixed until you get your primary relationship problem fixed.

 

If Jesus Christ isn’t your preeminent relationship you’re going to inevitably be putting things on your spouse only Christ can carry.

In such a case, your relationship with your husband/wife will be: overburdened, confused, and needless to say stressed out, if not outright broken.

It’s not fair to expect your partner to be Jesus, because he/she’s not able to meet that expectation.

So … you may think your partner is failing you, or  she may think you are failing her.

When you blame your partner for a problem, chances are good that you are the actual real problem that needs to be fixed.

08:44

 

 

Full List of All 7 Laws in Brief:

7 Laws of a Stronger Marriage by Pastor Josh McPherson, including all seven principles:

1. The Law of Preeminence

• Key Principle: Jesus must be the center of your marriage. A strong marriage starts with a personal relationship with Christ.
• Explanation: When both spouses prioritize their faith and seek to honor God above all, they create a foundation of unity and purpose.

2. The Law of Pursuit

• Key Principle: Never stop pursuing your spouse.
• Explanation: Marriage requires continuous effort and intentionality. Just as you pursued your spouse during dating and courtship, you should continue to nurture that connection throughout your marriage.

3. The Law of Priority

• Key Principle: Your marriage must take priority over everything else except your relationship with God.
• Explanation: This law emphasizes putting your spouse above other commitments, such as work, hobbies, or even children. A thriving marriage requires focused attention.

4. The Law of Planning

• Key Principle: A strong marriage doesn’t happen by accident; it requires intentional planning.
• Explanation: Couples should proactively schedule time for each other, plan dates, and invest in their relationship to ensure growth and intimacy.

5. The Law of Power

• Key Principle: Embrace your God-given roles within the marriage.
• Explanation: Husbands and wives are called to fulfill unique roles that complement one another. This law encourages mutual respect and understanding of these roles to create harmony.

6. The Law of Pleasure

• Key Principle: Cultivate joy, fun, and intimacy in your marriage.
• Explanation: Marriage should be a source of happiness and fulfillment for both partners. Prioritize activities and moments that bring pleasure and deepen your bond.

7. The Law of Promise

• Key Principle: Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
• Explanation: This law underscores the importance of honoring your vows and staying committed through challenges, recognizing that marriage is a lifelong promise before God.

These seven laws are designed to help couples build stronger marriages by focusing on biblical principles, intentional effort, and mutual love and respect. Each law serves as a reminder that thriving marriages require both spiritual grounding and practical actions.

Answer from Perplexity: pplx.ai/share

 

Chapters:

1. 00:00:00 Building a God-Honoring Marriage
2. 00:08:38 Understanding Marriage as a Covenant  
3. 00:17:24 Setting Healthy Boundaries in Family Relationships
4. 00:25:20 Guiding Children in Relationships  
5. 00:34:16 Embracing the Role of Helper with Dignity
6. 00:43:28 Navigating Marital Communication Challenges
7. 00:52:58 The Nail in the Head Analogy: Fixer or Listener?
8. 01:02:40 Importance of Respect and Honor in Marriage  
9. 01:11:15 Addressing Marital Concerns with Church Authority  
10. 01:20:29 The Power of Forgiveness in Marriage
11. 01:29:19 Respect and Modesty in Marriage  
12. 01:38:05 Understanding Differences in Sexual Desire
13. 01:47:23 End of Discussion

 

 

Here’s a summary of the key points from the transcript:

1. Marriage as an Exclusive Circle (00:00, 31:54)
   • Marriage is a sacred bond where only the spouses belong. External influences, including family, should not interfere.
2. Law of Priority (11:11, 23:28, 29:13)
   • A spouse’s primary loyalty is to their partner, not their parents. Marriage requires “leaving and cleaving” for unity.
3. Respect and Love Without Conditions (1:08:44)
   • Wives are called to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives—without waiting for the other to be “deserving.”
4. Men as Leaders with Responsibility (40:27, 45:50, 51:46)
   • Headship in marriage means initiating, guiding, and considering the wife’s wisdom, not just making all decisions alone.
5. Healthy Conflict Resolution (16:35, 18:53, 54:40)
   • Spouses should address issues directly with each other rather than venting to parents, avoiding unnecessary conflicts.
6. Forgiveness in Marriage (1:14:33, 1:20:19)
   • Holding onto past hurts can become sinful and hinder healing. True forgiveness is crucial for a thriving marriage.
7. Spiritual Leadership (1:00:29, 1:03:08)
   • Leadership doesn’t mean grand gestures but simple, consistent acts—like leading prayer or initiating family discussions.
8. Modesty and Respect in Dress (1:28:44, 1:31:22)
   • Wives honoring their husbands through their clothing choices reflects respect and shared values in marriage.
9. Unity Reduces Conflict (1:34:19, 1:36:42)
   • A shared vision and values minimize disagreements, fostering a peaceful home environment.
10. Emotional Differences in Marriage (1:39:55)

• Men and women process emotions differently. Understanding these differences helps navigate conflicts effectively.

 

 

 

 

 

Title: “#1 Secret to a Christian Marriage (It’s NOT What You Think) | Live Free with Josh Howerton”

 

Transcript: “(00:00) when you get married you draw a circle that only you and your husband are allowed inside the help means I need to speak up sometimes and I need to be clear about things and he wants to hear my opinion and he wants to hear what I think it’s not about he’s winning or I’m winning it’s about hey we want us to win God gave you the power to Speak Life over him and you spoke death God gave you the power to be his helper and you spoke failure over his life watch out for that phrase but it’s my family actually it might not (00:25) be all right welcome to the marriage weekend podcast let’s go this is great man we have our good friends Josh and Shar mcferson we’re so happy you’re here all the way in from the People’s Republic of Washington we made it you made it to the great nation of Texas it was snowing when we left was it really y doing your favorite thing for the white stuff all the white stuff hey man it’s 11 degrees as the as of the recording of This podcast yeah dude Texas is tryin es we’re going to have a like just honestly a very raw Frank conversation about god-honoring marriages good and you know we’ll we’ll hit some sensitive things some of the we got um two or 300 uh User submitted questions they are very raw yeah and um I’ve just found you guys (03:04) know this Josh obviously Pastor an amazing Church Josh and Sharon p lead an amazing Church in uh in Washington reaching unbelievable you know people there um and you guys know this it’s like if you won’t go to the raw w and I I and I was just thinking Some people might be discouraged by the questions they’re asking I was encouraged by the nature of the questions because when they’re raw that means they still care yeah that’s right Josh if if if if you stop caring then you’re not asking anymore you’re like yeah whatever and so even if your questions are raw or hard it it tell it it it’s indicative that you still care that you want to make it work that you’re in the fight and so just a generic thought I had as nship is broken and it’s not fair to expect Jan to be Jesus because she’s not or vice versa and so you may think Jan’s failing or she may think you’re failing but actually each of you the problem that (08:16) you put an expectation on the other they couldn’t meet so that’s law of preeminence and you can help me out here um the next was the law of by the way we can Josh is going to Rift through these but at any moment let’s we can hop in and let’s add some color hey here’s here’s where that becom e way you honor them is not letting them control your relationship let’s keep going okay well yeah we’re going to click on this yeah yeah the other way this was asked is how do I get H my husband to back me with his parents when he always takes their side against me okay so well you guys want don’t you guys just let’s talk about it we’re talking you’re going all right here we go all right so you’re talking about you know law of priority let’s just let’s (11:11) apply it to this very obviously Hi ter’s going to stay close because she’s going to have a baby and need to know how breastfeeding goes and how the and so she’s going to stay close to the Mom Mom’s intuitively S boys are going (13:48) to leave and so they’re they’re working hard to keep those boys close and so they’re mothering they’re they’re overprotect they’re doing these things and the husband’s like hey if I can have a wife that gives me sex and mom that that washes my clothes I get the best of all World true and so they’re tional she’s like she’s like I’m not going to tell Sharon uh how does she word it she’s like I I don’t I don’t point out things that I like or don’t like like interesting choice of curtains you know instant pressure and so it’s like she’s just affirming and loving and like letting Sharon build our own home because women are Territorial and often times the the the like we’re in Texas right so you fight over water because water is life right in relationships (16:35) women are Territorial and they I mean to talk about your marriage problems to talk about your marriage problems before you’ve gone to your husband and talk to him and trying to work stuff out why it (18:53) Sharon why is that wrong cuz I do think first of all as a pastor like that’s a thing like dude you see that I think a lot of people like what are you talking about like me and my mom are so close like why would aren’t you supposed to be close to your mom she’s a Godly woman like why is it wrong and what’s it do well I thin e’re we’re out tonight you know I’m like oh come over you know but they they’ve understood boundaries and and from early on in our marriage I like hey you guys call us we’re not going to call you so we’re here if you’d like uh but but but we don’t need from you something that you need to feel pressured to give and so when our parents kind of step back and and because the whole IM mment thing right we like there’s just the unspoken (21:20) expectations you’ll beat every holiday we’re going to kee that’s right your family is your wife that’s your immediate family is your wife and if you have them that’s you have children that’s your family the minute that you got married your parents (23:28) became no longer your immediate family that’s now your extended family and your job is to prioritize your immediate family over your extended family so one hey let’s watch out for that phrase but it’s my family actually it might not be in the sense that you’re saying it y uh the other thing you said f God I know the widom here so I got to apply my own preaching to the life of my kids but it’s been a funny little experience where it’s like wait they’re over there tonight but we’re going to watch Family movie tonight and then like I’ve caught myself a couple times like doing the whole like that’s cool bro you you go over there that’s fine we’ll watch her and then I’m like I’m being passive aggressive right now so hey we have some sympathy Sy here like dads have to process and deal 100% (26:39 kay then you set up increasingly firm boundaries and at some point it might be a cut off scenario um but again you you’ll you’ll never invite the blessing of God by violating the laws of God and God says to leave and to (29:13) cleeveland become one flesh and if you haven’t left your parents you can’t cleave to your wife she won’t feel safe protected cared for or prioritized and bro you’re in for a long haul that marriage will not Thrive and having those clear conversations it gives you the oppo ows all the caveat but totally inappropriate under normal circumstances for a wife to call Mom and process marriage problems because when you do that you’re inviting mom into a level of intimacy and putting mom in between you and your husband that’s exactly no no no he’s is there when you get married you draw a circle that only you and your husband are allowed inside El is allowed inside that’s well said yeah I would just add Dad too cuz you know um daughters and and fathers have a unique (31:54 the the framing of the conversation um because the point is the goal is to infuse both roles the husband and the wife play with dignity because like like when we say well the wife is a (34:37) helper for whatever reason well we know it’s it’s it’s a tactic of the enemy to frame it as demeaning and belittling and lesser than it’s like no no the third member of the Trinity calls himself the helper hel yeah the holy spirit is be you’re literally having your job title named after the Holy Spirit yea headship and helper let’s talk to let’s do headship first and then let’s talk helper okay husband is the head of the home uh head of the the family and the Merit what does that mean what does that not mean what does that mean he should do what should he not do h thoughts well yeah I mean I don’t keep talking I me interrupt me what you want um can I torpedo the phrase that I said was bugging me earlier here um so there there’s there’s this um phrase called (37:42) servant leadership okay let’s yo uld do yeah that’s what yeah that’s it so I initiate as head now help help help me help me yeah that’s Jan I want you to talk here in a second cuz like I do think some people think that’s what (40:27) headship is okay well he just makes all the decisions and he and her job is just can be used by wives who who are being lazy and indifferent to put more on a husband than God intended wow okay whoa that was a fast ball yeah so like I don’t think people realize like j i we we say this without shame k up sometimes and I need to be clear about things and he wants to hear my opinion and he wants to hear what I think and I think early on it was you would even come to me and be like what do you think about this or whatever and I’d be like I don’t know whatever you know or I’d feel the need to carry some things without telling him uh thinking that I needed to fix them I’m like oh he has enough on his plate I got to fix this thing and we (43:23) finally had a conversation where he’s like I am the that happened that trained her in I’m not willing to listen and what she has to say isn’t worth hearing well that’s a huge loss for me cuz I just (45:50) muted the voice of the helper God gave me to point out the things I’m missing and so I had to learn to grow in humility and and it’s to this day like no no guy likes to be pointed out that he’s failing it’s not like I’m I I’m still good at this but I’ve I’ve experienced the Manifest benefit and Glory that enters into our home our marriage our l part of a husband’s job to lead his wife’s emotions sometimes that’s right hey man right hey you’re hey let me actually man I I think your emotions are maybe overriding your logic let me be a man for a second I love you I listen but there does come a moment where it’s like hey babe let me help you think what if we thought about it this way that’s right now Sharon you’re reacting so I’m (48:57) not going to get on my second thing agree disagree Sharon and Jana agree disagree additional comments h eer the home rather than them leading the home the husband in First Peter in the same text it says two (51:46) things it says live with your wives in understanding way so so um this gets a little bit into the differences between men and women and one of the things that we teach is um you will have a healthy marriage if you take responsibility for your own actions and and then secondly if you celebrate the differences that God made in you often times we see it as design flaw rather than design um e tell me what you’re feeling what are you experiencing and time time again I’m not even a highly emotional woman like I’m not off the charts I’m pretty even keeled but there have been times where emot things of emotional nature have got me out in the paaw patch as far as my thinking and I’m not thinking rightly about a situation (54:40) or people especially those that maybe have attacked my husband or things of that nature and he can see I’m moving steadily towards sin in my heart okay let just d I’ve got some thoughts uh but this is like I there are there (57:23) are not enough tally marks in the world for me to you know count up the number of times that I’ve heard that what would you guys say well I’ll say in a sentence and I’ll give it to the ladies um more often than not that it’s said from a wife who has a standard that even Jesus couldn’t meet wow yeah and so it’s like well he’s not leading according to your standards but your standards nobody could match and all oh by the way th st it’s it’s it’s just lead I’m I’m in the house hopefully as a Jesus e graceful presence it’s little stuff hey let’s pray tonight hey let’s all go into Hudson’s room and read the Bible story together tonight hey let let’s have this conversation um but it’s not like six family devotions per week (1:00:29) and then know if you do that awesome I’m just saying it doesn’t always have to look like that and then like I said the other thing is make sure your expectation of spiritual leadership isn’t th plaud him all the way like you don’t (1:03:08) need to give him 10 reasons why that’s just not going to work for you like follow too late orever yes like I just you know just encourage him in that and um come alongside of him and I mean just do it mhm yeah yeah your response is all the and and your response is going to speak a lot to your children too so if you want your husband to be the head of your home your response to him especially like in front of the kids if he’s doing all the let’s like do it I mean it’s a maybe that’s on podcast but somehow you do it so that I want to lead better yeah and so Jan is so good at that yeah I mean I’ve watched I mean I’ve been your home a lot we watched I was like oh they got it too J does the thing and then Josh it gets better how how that work you know but but Sharon like there have been (1:06:06) times where I’ve been failing as a leader or not and she’ll and she’ll come to me and she’ll be like sweet I love when you lead and we Thrive and I wan m when he’s respectable and it’s like you’ll (1:08:44) notice this in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 right it doesn’t give a qualifier on wives respect your husbands and oh by the way it does not give a qualifier on husbands love your wies so a wife doesn’t get to go I’ll respect him when he’s respectable and a husband doesn’t get to go I’ll love her if she’s lovely that’s right nope it’s like hey man um it’s exactly the opposite that uh give him a crown and he’ll become a king when you start doing w hurch to confront that man and to rebuke that man and to call him into into repentance yeah yeah I think having biblical Community is so important that’s why it’s so important to have a life group people you are doing life with um who are walking through things with you who speak into things you need wisdom and so if you lack it well one (1:12:00) God gives it graciously and generously and so receive that but like you know you have people around you who can be speaking into your situation and he estore the relationship so this goes back to this law let’s start right here (1:14:33) what would you say to the person of that situation uh well it depends if it’s a husband it’s a wife there’s details there jump in here baby if you want but um you know at at our church you know there would be pastors involved Church leadership involved and then um we’re looking for repentance you have to start there um if let’s just say the husband’s committed adultery let’s just put a real scenario on it and ness inside and then the whole caveat right bitterness is me swallowing the poison expecting you to die so you got to get it out of your own heart sweetheart you got to forgive him or it’s going to eat you alive and then once you’ve forgiven him now with accountability pastors wise counsel Community we establish a path (1:17:42) that she agrees to that he can walk to give him keep going this is big because she’s she’s been the one who’s been violated again so she needs to speak into the pace of im emotionally stunted he could never move past that (1:20:19) sin in order for their marriage to to heal and I had to tell her at some point um this going be hard for you to hear but you are now the one in sin and you are the reason this marriage isn’t healing he initiated the situation 15 years ago with his heinous sin and God has forgiven it and now you are committing an equally heinous sin and refusing to forgive one who’s already forgiven wow because here’s the Wild Thing God’s forgiven him f that’s right all right let’s rapid fire some of these others and then and then we’ll get our PG-13 section in how are we doing on time are do we we’re we’ll wrap it up in the next yeah we’ll go 10 15 minutes here I’m fine we I’m good we’re good man yeah okay let’s rapid fire these so we’re going short succinct machine gun answers (1:23:12) here no caveats these no caveats uh these are User submitted questions I’ve come to Christ recently my husband is still struggling with struggling with doub those people up to speak into his life and then obviously pray that he (1:25:45) would see your your growth which means you got to focus on your relationship with Jesus it’s like and don’t be afraid when he’s talking to you or you’re having a conversation to say actually babe I don’t know actually don’t know all the answers to this you don’t have to be the Bible answer gal right you don’t have to all of a sudden be like shed up every time so when he steps in you can like beat him back that’s pro men uncomfortable with how their wives dress this really surprised me actually mean like wives in modest ways yes wives dressing provocatively in ways that and so I’ll just read one how can I ask my wife to honor me honor Me by how she dresses what do I do if our quote unquote compromise on her dress and this person (1:28:44) explained that and by the way this was not an uncommon question this actually really surprised me he explained that the compromise was she wanted to wear things maybe a lit going on in her own heart where she’s pushing back and going no no no this is my (1:31:22) wardrobe this is what I wear it’s like h whose approval is she looking for what is she what is she looking for in the world somewhere else that she’s not having in her marriage maybe that she’s not finding there so man you better make sure what are you saying to your wife bro like make sure you’re pouring into your wife make sure you’re speak what what is she listening to be the leader be the head of your old and let’s back up to our values and our vision and then build an agreement that flow out of those two things than the we talk about so that now you’re on the same page because agreements give you Unity Direction and purpose and when you have Unity Direction and purpose guess what you have a lot less (1:34:19) disagreements we don’t fight that often I mean I don’t say it’s like brag but it’s like our home isn’t like I mean because we’re unified because we’ve done the hard work offline of buil le verse we got vers and so it’s it’s (1:36:42) it’s like why would I hate myself by pushing her away or making her life miserable or fill an XYZ blank that a guy can do it’s like no literally when she’s thriving I’m thriving that’s different than happy wife life that’s I I don’t like that phrase but but but when we’re in disagreement I I don’t win if I pull away and make her feel guilty and pull away emotionally and create some distance so it’s like no I’m hurting myself when I do that and so e fles women are spaghetti so waffles have compartments and spaghetti is all entangled and so he gets up in the morning and she burns the toast and he’s like typical says some insensitive comment leaves the house he never gives it another thought he goes out slays four dragons barely survives (1:39:55) the day comes home cut bruised battered Dragon blood dripping off his sword and all is like oh I I want to comfort his wife comfort of his wife and and and he comes home and eats dinner and turns to ersation where (1:42:26) it’s like um there’s a here’s the difference men men and women husbands wives is typically she is physically open after you have accessed her after you have accessed her emotionally it’s the opposite for men that a lot of times he becomes more emotionally open as you access and a more available physically agree disagree I agree I mean and I would say that did I did I jump in there too fast no I was like yeah you looked at me I was like I’m very emot I think the point to what we have found is is often times we cuz they it’s like oh man we fight like dogs but making up so like that sound that’s stupid it’s like my wife initiated pulling um marital intimacy to the front end of an argument then then we’d get done and and I’d be like I can’t here we figh I think I’m good I think I’m good I (1:45:35) mean it’s incredible well the reason you can do that is because you’re in a covenant relationship like REM keep on the Forefront of your bra…..”

 

Below is a second, and different Summary from the one above.

Summary of “The Things NO ONE Talks About In Marriage w/Lisa Bevere”

• (00:00) Marriage & Mutual Growth: Marriage is about two people committed to bringing out the best in each other, which involves mutual respect, open communication, and shared responsibility.

• (01:14) Submission in Marriage: Submission is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean diminishing the woman but working together as a unified team. A wife submits to her husband as he submits to Christ, but never to abuse or harmful demands.

• (04:03) Biblical Responsibility of Husbands: Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church—protecting, nurturing, and honoring them. A husband’s mistreatment of his wife affects his own relationship with God.

• (05:40) Boundaries in Marriage & Sex: Submission does not mean complying with inappropriate or uncomfortable sexual demands. Pornography and selfish sexual behavior are discouraged, as they do not align with biblical values.

• (08:08) Decision-Making as a Couple: Big decisions should be made together, valuing both voices. Timing and tone matter when discussing important topics, and mutual agreement should be sought.

• (10:31) Godly Sex & Communication: A fulfilling sex life is about connection, not just physical intimacy. Open communication about needs, desires, and boundaries fosters a healthier relationship.

• (15:39) Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: Trust is lost in buckets and regained drop by drop. When trust is broken (e.g., infidelity), couples must be intentional about healing, seek counseling, and decide whether to rebuild or separate.

• (19:49) Common Marriage Pitfalls: Focusing on a spouse’s flaws instead of strengths, lack of intentional quality time, and failing to enjoy each other contribute to marital struggles.

• (22:34) Small Acts Strengthen Marriage: Simple gestures like cuddling, hugging, walking together, and showing appreciation help sustain emotional closeness and de-escalate conflicts.

 

 

https://gracecitychurch.com/media/gd82nft/the-most-important-issue-in-marriage

A good follow up video, from the speaker.